A Better
Future.
By Erika Munton.
I want change! I want the future
to be different, better than it was for me, better for the
people ahead of me. I write a little about myself in the
hope of showing others that anyone can make change. Life
itself offers so much that everyone can contribute. When
listening to what is important to you and keeping yourself
open for change, you may never know where life may lead
you.......
Growing up I was never sure of what
I wanted to be. The only comeback to any of those sort of
questions was I know I want to be a mother. After some time
I married. One step closer. With the expectation of being
shot we moved to California. Then I became pregnant - yay
wed been trying for a year and it was so frustrating every
month my period came. But now, I was so keen to have my baby
and my birth experience.
Pregnancy went well for me. I
enjoyed it and I enjoyed my changing body. I was intending
to birth at a free standing birth centre but in my last
month of pregnancy my baby didnt move out of breech
position. So I was transferred to doctor care along side my
midwife. I really had to fight for the opportunity to birth
vaginally. The doctor preferred to do a cesarean and told
me so. But with certain rules he agreed to be my care
provider for a vaginal breech delivery. The rules were: to
be in the hospital soon after labour was established, to
have an epidural catheter in place (just in case of an
emergency), and to be in the operating room when I started
to push. When I look back I wished I had thought of looking
else where for someone more supportive. But in the huge
city of LA I felt supported through my midwife at the birth
centre and this was, after all, the doctor she recommended.
With only a few weeks to go I didnt feel I had any other
options.
When labour started (and at 3 cm) I
went to the hospital with my midwife, my husband and sister
as support. At 4cm they wanted to put the epidural catheter
in place. I didnt want this yet somehow it happened. I
said no to drugs and the anesthesiologist put some fentanel
in anyway to make sure it was working. That really annoyed
me. My contractions went away and so did the pain. As this
made everthing slow down they broke my water to encourage my
contractions along again. Then several hours later the
doctor showed up again and said he wanted to give me
oxytocin and some pain relief to get me going. I didnt want
to but he said that things were going slow and if I didnt
have the strength to push at the end he wouldnt let me. Ha,
how would he intend to stop me!!!! But I didnt think of
that answer at the time.
A few hours later I was fully
dilated and pushing. I was wheeled into the operating room,
I was on my back with my legs up in stirrups. They then
took over my pushing and instructed me to push for as long
as I could, to take a deep breath and keep doing that again
until the contraction went away. I was progressing and my
doctor called out that I was having a boy. I was annoyed
again. My child wasnt even born yet and I wanted to see for
myself. They got to see before I did. I started to
complain that it hurt and the anesthesiologist pumped some
more drugs into me. I hadnt asked for them, I hadnt
consented, she just did it because I complained. That took
my feeling away and it was very hard to push effectively
now. So the whole room of docs and interns, nurses,
anesthesiologist and paediatricians left to give me a rest.
The babys heart rate was beginning to take a little time
getting back to normal after a contraction. 1/2 hour later
we started up again with still little feeling in my lower
half. But it was obvious that my babys heart rate was very
low after the first pushing attempt. We tried one more time
to see if progress would be quick but his heart rate
bottomed out and the cesarean was done.
Karl was born blue and having
seizures. At birth I got to see him for a second before he
was taken to the NICU. He was intubated with tubes in him
everywhere. I saw him 8 hrs later in the NICU and it was
hard to grasp that he was actually mine (ours - my husband
off course had his own traumatic experience through
this)
It was so hard to feel like I was a
mum. I had a baby now but I wasnt able to care for him,
perhaps he wouldnt even survive and if so how much brain
damage would there be. Should I dare myself to love
him?
I couldnt help myself and my mind
was totally fixed on being by his side. Thankfully the story
ends well. After 3 attempts to breathe on his own he was
successful. My husband and I wised up to demanding our
right in the NICU and we held him more, bathed him, stayed
longer and had hundreds of people praying for us all over
the world. (At 3 yrs old now Karl is a normal boy with no
disabilities).
Leaving LA and the smog and traffic
and some close friends behind, we moved up north. With my
second child I decided to birth at a free standing birth
centre with a midwife who supported my efforts for a VBAC.
I had confidence in my bodys abilities. After only a few
hours I met my second boy in the glorified bath-tub and was
thrilled. I went home in the wee hours of the morning to
sleep in my own bed and have my friends visit me in my
house. This birth story is so much less complicated.
Naturally I love both my children equally but my memories of
theirs births is so vastly different.
Months later a friend told me of a
doula-training program. Suddenly I could see what I wanted
to be. The years of mush brain, apathy and fatigue of
pregnancy, birth and raising little ones decreased. My
birth experiences and eagerness to find out more gave me
passion and motivation to get out there and become something
in addition to Mum. It felt good to be stimulated. I felt
alive in my brain with information and usefulness. All I
went through could be used to support others. Little ol me
could change the future for others so they need not go
through what I did in ignorance. Even if it ended up being
for a handful of people. And so now I feel blessed for all
I've gone through. Its brought me to this chapter in my
life and I believe I have changed for the better, personally
and as a doula.
-Taken from 'BIRTH MATTERS' (The
journal of the Maternity Coalition Inc.) Volume 4.2 June
2000
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