Benjamin Isaac Adams - Monday, 22 June
1998 .
"I have recently had the wonderful experience
of having a VBAC at home. I wish to share the birth stories of both
my sons with your readers as I found the stories in your site to be
a great inspiration in my preparation for Harrison's birth."
Sunday, 21st June, Bradley and I rather nervously arrived at Freemason's
Maternity Unit as requested by our obstetrician to prepare for the
induced birth of our baby (Benjamin) as he was now 12 days past his
due date (according to ultrasound - not our dates).
I was booked into a single room off the birthing suites where I
would stay for the night. At approximately 7.30pm our obstetrician
arrived and inserted some prostaglandin gel to soften the cervix and
gradually bring on labour. I immediately felt discomfort and aching
similar to period pain. Unfortunately Bradley was not allowed to stay
the night so went home at about 9.00pm. I was given sleeping tablets
(something I never take) to help with sleeping through the period
like pain.
I think at approximately 4:00am I awoke with increasing pain similar
to stomach ache. A midwife offered me some toast and suggested I have
a shower to ease the pain of the start of labour. I am unsure of the
time, but I think at about 7:00am I was moved in a birthing suite
to await our obstetrician's arrival. I was told I had to change into
a hospital gown, which at the time I thought was unnecessary as I
felt embarrassed enough about having to show my vagina to the world,
let alone have my butt constantly exposed for all to see. I was allowed
to wear what I had brought in with me. I remember later in the day
when I was having an internal that my mother peeked her head around
to see what she could and I felt immediately very angry. As a support
person I think she felt a little at a loss and I didn't appreciate
her contribution being looking at what was between my legs.
By this time I had a midwife with me, who could gather from the music
and essential oils I had prepared that I wanted as natural a birth
for my baby as possible. The midwife was not a direct employee of
Freemason's Hospital but an agency midwife. I discussed with this
midwife that I had come prepared with TENS strips and machine and
that was my preferred method of pain relief at that point in time.
The midwife in charge was present by this time, took one look at me
and said "I was too far gone pain wise, that the TENS system would
be useless and that I should order an epidural". The agency midwife
proceeded to talk me through contractions by taking my mind to the
mountains or streams which was good at this point as I had used this
type of visualization in recent meditation classes I had participated
in.
Our obstetrician arrived at 7.30am - 8.00am, did an internal to
ascertain the degree of dilation and ask how long the pain of labour
had been taking place. He then suggested breaking my waters and proceeded.
Although I do not remember having any conversation with him or the
midwifes about it (the head midwife was now present), a drip was inserted
into my arm. From this point on I felt totally isolated, alone, anxious
and completely out of control. I felt like I was glued to the bed
(not how I had envisioned my labour to be at all), with waters running
everywhere and being told I had to move this way and that to change
the bedding. Finally, I was able to call Bradley and get him to come
to the hospital. The pain continued to increase and I tried the gas
which was offered which made me want to vomit, so I didn't use it.
Bradley arrived at approximately 9.30am - 10.00am, which was a great
relief however too late. I really wished he could have been with me
the previous night. My mother also arrived shortly afterwards. Bradley
counted the time the contractions lasted for me. I felt like I needed
to go to the toilet and went but nothing happened. I had this sensation
again and the midwife suggested I might be fully dilated. This thought
was a relief and very scary as I was very frightened of tearing while
pushing the baby out. She checked to see how dilated I was and said
she thought I may be fully dilated and that perhaps a few practice
pushes might be good. Nothing happened. Our obstetrician was back
again (I think around midday) and checked to see how dilated I was,
he thought I was not fully dilated (6-8cm I think) and said to wait,
suggesting that an epidural might be a good thing. Our obstetrician
visited several times throughout the day and I remember him having
the drip turned up on a couple of occasions.
The agency midwife requested to stay with me (even though her shift
was finished), but she was told she was not allowed to stay. I could
see in her eyes she felt helpless and wanted to stay, but was told
in no uncertain terms she could not remain. I had felt there was tension
between her (perhaps her approach?) and the head midwife on duty,
which put her in an awkward situation.
Still glued to the bed, suggestions were strongly made again about
epidural. Bradley and my mother were having something to eat and I
was going through the agonizing decision of having an epidural. There
were two reasons why this was an extremely difficult decision for
me to make. 1. My mother was present, she is a very natural person,
and had both my brother and sister naturally. I felt I was letting
her down and myself down if I went ahead and had an epidural. 2. I
was extremely frightened of having a needle put into my spine. I was
genuinely scared that something terrible would happen to me. Finally
I made the decision to have an epidural which the midwife went ahead
and organized with our obstetrician. The anesthetist arrived to administer
the epidural. I remember being absolutely petrified and being told
that I must keep completely still even through contractions. All the
while the monitor is on the baby and the nurses were discussing the
baby's state. I got the feeling they were not completely happy and
that the baby kept moving around so they kept loosing the signal.
With the epidural completed, came minor relief. I do not remember
for how long, but it seemed like only minutes that the epidural lasted.
The pain was back and increasing once again. It appeared after all
the anguish of making the decision to have the epidural it did not
work effectively. The anesthetist was called back again (by this time
she had gone to another hospital), so after what seemed like hours
she returned to re-administer the epidural. Relief again. By 3.30pm
or so, the baby had still not been born and it was clear he was not
doing as well as expected. Our obstetrician came down again and checked
things out and said to keep an eye on things and get back to him.
I think by about 4.15pm our obstetrician came back again as the baby
was not improving. Upon doing an internal he told us the baby was
posterior and had not moved very far down the birthing canal.
The next terrifying thing for me was forceps. Obviously I could not
feel anything but I felt violated, however, knew that our obstetrician
was not doing this for kicks. Our obstetrician tried to turn the baby
(successfully I think) however, when trying to bring the baby out
he appeared to get stuck. At this point, the baby had deteriorated
further and was clearly in distress. Our obstetrician strongly suggested
a caesarian section be carried out immediately. We both gave our consent.
Everything swung into action, the lights were brought up in the room,
my gown was changed, I was put on a different bed with all the wires
and drips and things. Bradley was taken to get a theatre gown and
whilst literally running me down the corridor a lovely male nurse
was trying to make me feel better by commenting on my 'gorgeous' nails
while he proceeded to try and get the polish off before I went into
theatre. I asked if my mother could come into theatre with me, the
answer was no, there was not enough room. By this stage I had totally
lost it and could not control the emotion, uncontrollable shaking
and sobbing tears. STOP. I could not go into theatre because the hospital
had not given me the appropriate paperwork to sign. I said to our
obstetrician can't Bradley sign this, no, I'm sorry to do this to
you now, but you have to sign it. He said it gave me permission for
him to operate and that (I think) something about waiving negligence.
I was beside myself, still could not control the crying was shaking
with shock, could not even see what I was signing let alone read it.
I don't even think I could sign my name properly. I felt like 'this
is not happening to me and my baby' I felt like I was on the set of
some TV medical drama.
In theatre, we were quickly introduced to all the staff and our
obstetrician tried once again to extract Benjamin with forceps. He
asked me push, which I don't think I put much effort behind as I was
completely lost and still frightened about the vaginal delivery. Bradley
said I moved down the bed as our obstetrician tried to deliver Benjamin
with the forceps.
I could hear a racing heartbeat on the monitors which appeared to
be over a loud speaker. I kept asking if that was my baby, and was
my baby alright. I was assured by everyone in the theatre that everything
was fine. A sheet was in front of me so I could see nothing. Our obstetrician
said he was starting to cut, all the time Bradley was right there
with me standing behind me holding my head and a male nurse was holding
my hand. I was beside myself with fear and still totally out of control.
I felt this lack of control had just escalated throughout the day
and there was nothing I could do about it. I know everyone around
me had the best intentions but I was absolutely beside myself with
fear, guilt and a total lack of control.
My little baby Benjamin was born Monday, 22nd June, 1998 at approximately
4:46pm. I don't remember who told me what sex the baby was, although
Bradley said he did. I don't remember how Benjamin was given to me
(although I should and I feel incredible guilt about this), but I
think he was wrapped in a blanket, because I can only remember seeing
his little face. His head was a real cone shape and very bruised.
The obstetrician and midwife assured us his head would move back into
shape. It felt like less than one minute that I got to hold my baby,
but Bradley says I had a few minutes before they took him away to
be checked. I asked if Benjamin could stay, but I remember our obstetrician
and the midwife or pediatrician saying it was too cold in the theatre
for him and he needed to be taken somewhere warm.
I remember our obstetrician asking what we were going to name him
and I said maybe Harrison and Bradley said he wasn't sure. I remember
thinking, after all I've just been through I should be able to call
him what I want. For the first time I think I felt resentment that
I was the one going through this.
Bradley and Benjamin were taken to another part of the hospital,
while I remained to be stitched up and go into recovery. I remember
being rolled over to have the epidural removed, when the new anesthetist
said to the male nurse, take a look at this, holding up something,
referring to the epidural and shaking their heads. I'm not sure what
was wrong, I asked, but they said nothing, everything is fine. I then
proceeded to vomit and vomit some more, continue to shake uncontrollably
I presume with the shock of what had taken place during the day.
I was so exhausted and in such deep shock that, that evening and
much of the next day is a blur. However, I do remember feeling great
joy when Benjamin was first brought to me when I was in my room, and
I fed him for the first time. When he was taken away (back to the
nursery I think) I was excited about when I would see him next. I
definitely feel like I didn't get the opportunity to fall in love
with my baby, and as his father spent most of that time holding him
(although Bradley had to leave at night) that their bond is incredibly
strong because of that. I love my little boy more than anything, but
there was definitely no bonding time during my hospital stay with
Benjamin. I believe his entry into the world has a lot to do with
how our relationship has developed and how I have had to work really
hard at being what I think should come naturally.
I suppose after Benjamin's delivery I felt cheated. I had had a wonderful
pregnancy, and nurtured and loved this baby right from conception.
I felt that after nine months of carrying this beautiful baby he was
cut away from me and I was left feeling empty and very much alone.
Bradley got to gaze on him and watch his first expressions, cries
and noises while by the time I was able to experience those things
for myself I was thrust into the steep learning curve all first time
mothers experience.
The natural delivery I had expected to experience with my baby being
delivered vaginally and being placed on my belly turned out to be
one of the most unnatural experiences I had ever had to endure, however,
it was my experience and one that was perhaps meant to be. I just
wish it didn't still hurt so much.
VBAC at Home
Harrison Ethan Adams - 21 May 2002
My first son Benjamin was born in a prominent private Melbourne hospital
coupled with private obstetrician and although happy to have my healthy
baby boy, the experience was an emotionally painful one, where a cascade
of intervention lead to an emergency cesarean. After Benjamin's birth
my obstetrician strongly advised me (due to the labour and results
of pelvimetry), I would not be able to have my children vaginally
unless they were much smaller babies, and not to "set myself up for
failure" by trying to do so in the future.
Four years have passed and with support from the excellent team of
Jan Ireland, Peter Lucas, Rhea Dempsey and Jenny Teske (as well as
many other supportive men and women), we have achieved a very successful
and positive VBAC at home.
This is the best thing I have ever done in my entire life. The journey
Harrison's birth took myself and my family on has enriched our lives
in many many ways - not only in the healing that was necessary after
Benjamin's birth, but also in many exciting and positive ways for
our future as a family.
The Journey
Preparation for the birth of Harrison began well before I fell pregnant.
It probably really started when Benjamin was born, as during his birth
he became our teacher in a way. Having experienced what I considered
a traumatic birth for both myself and Benjamin, which had continued
to impact our small family due to my suffering post-natal depression,
I decided that next time I was to have a baby I would be with carers
who would help me achieve a more positive birth experience, and hopefully
a natural vaginal birth.
By actively seeking the right people for support I found the same
names kept coming up, I decided this was a little more than coincidental
and when pregnant, contacted these people to find out what my chances
were in their opinion of successfully birthing my baby.
I'm pregnant! For some reason, something inside said the journey
to bringing this child into the world was extremely important not
only for the baby but also for myself. To face fears buried deep,
for us all to heal from Benjamin's birth and to teach me more about
myself, my strengths, my ability to be successful and feel the power
of being a real birthing woman.
I met many challenges along the road to a successful VBAC. Some
personal such as self-doubt in my ability to birth naturally, to birth
my baby at home, facing the fear of pain in labour all over again,
feeling a lack of support from family or friends for a VBAC, being
told I was totally obsessed with the pregnancy and birth, and some
from the medical system due to my prior cesarean. Thankfully my chosen
carers were extremely supportive and gave me the time I needed to
explore and discuss these challenging issues with them. I truly believe
that this kind of support played a large role in the success of my
VBAC.
I worked really hard to overcome my issues surrounding birth and
also to become much more knowledgeable about the process, not only
physically but emotionally as well. I went to many information nights
on active birth, water birth etc and it was after one of these nights
about half way through my pregnancy that I fell apart. It was the
first time since my last pregnancy that I had seen a birth video and
it frightened me. All the memories of being in labour and having Benjamin
came back. I was mortified that all I could see in these videos were
pain and not the beautiful miracle of new life coming into the world.
My partner was in New Zealand on business at the time, I felt all
alone and familiar emotions of post-natal depression flooded back.
Deciding not to dwell in my negative emotions I contacted a wonderful
lady - Rhea Dempsey. She reminded me to look for the resources that
were available to me and use them. I attended a weekly group run by
Rhea for pregnant women to discuss birth issues as well as issues
which allow women to get in touch with what they need to, in a supportive
and loving environment which was great for me. I organised for my
partner and I to have a counseling session with Rhea about Benjamin's
birth and its impact upon us and our second child's birth. I got every
book I could on positive birth from the library, looked up websites,
wrote and read affirmations, had sketches of well positioned and crowning
babies everywhere, spoke to many other women who had had positive
VBAC experiences, went to VBAC gatherings, spoke extensively to my
midwife who is passionate about VBAC and drew as much as I could from
these resources as possible. This process was absolutely invaluable
in helping me to feel good about my decision to try for a VBAC. In
addition, Bradley and I attended Lina Clerke's 'Wonderful Birth' weekend
workshop which was also extremely helpful to us, not only with what
we learnt but also to discuss our birth experience with other pregnant
partners which was helpful to them but also very healing for ourselves.
All of this work emphasised what birth should be.
Whilst we were using all resources available to us, we were faced
with the challenge of not being able to have the team we had chosen
in the hospital of our choice. However, through our continued learning
we felt it best that we have our baby at home in water. Wow, what
a turnaround! We had come from a model of care with a private hospital
and private obstetrician to a home birth with midwives and doctor
of our choice. This brought with it more challenges, but it was the
best choice for us.
Throughout this entire process I came to know, love and trust my
chosen carers completely. They were with me every step of the way,
supporting, guiding and generally being wonderful. I realize now this
continuity of care was incredibly important to me during this journey.
As the pregnancy progressed I felt more and more connected with Jan,
Peter and Rhea, and bonded with them in a very special way.
The Week Before Delivery
40 weeks came and went. A new challenge was beginning to form in
that it was becoming evident that our baby was going to take his or
her time in deciding when to arrive. Having had a prior cesarean this
was not ideal, however, due to our learning I felt that if I entered
the hospital system my chances of a natural VBAC were diminished considerably.
I had a show and very excitedly rang and told my midwife. I was delighted
and relieved as I thought labour would begin soon meaning everything
was going to start naturally this time. At 41 weeks still no labour,
no baby and I began to try everything documented to induce labour
naturally. Walking, sex, sweep of the cervix, daily sessions of acupuncture,
everything! I could feel some changes happening, such as cramping
but nothing regular. All the while the baby was monitored frequently
and I was becoming desperate for this baby to arrive.
The Day of Labour and Birth
After another fetal monitoring session at Monash Hospital I went
to see Peter and Jan at Wattle Park House. They both expressed concerns
that I was now at 42 weeks on my dates and 20 days past the ultrasound
date. A contingency plan with Monash Hospital as an alternative to
our planned homebirth was discussed and on the cards. I was devastated.
I had done so much work throughout the pregnancy, and thought, if
I am holding onto this baby subcontiously, or blocking his or her
birth in some way I don't know what else I can do. After blubbering
all over Peter and Jan I left to await a call from Peter with details
of an appointment time at Monash in the next few days. I cried and
cried some more, Benjamin, now nearly 4 years old patted my arm and
said "everything will be alright Mummy" and offered me his teddy for
a cuddle.
Late in the afternoon I found out Rhea, who I had booked as a support
person, was going away with work for a few days and may not be around
for the birth. I was extremely disappointed as I realised I had come
to rely on Rhea a lot. I felt she knew what was going on in my head
and that I was relying heavily on her to help during labour. This
was obviously another personal challenge - to face labour myself without
relying on a particular person. Rhea was wonderful spending about
an hour on the phone with me prior to her long car trip discussing
how I was feeling and what resources to call upon during labour. At
this point of what already seemed a very long and emotional day, Bradley
my husband, took over the nightly household routine. I locked myself
away in the bathroom, lit some candles, the oil burner and proceeded
to have a good long soak in the tub. During this time I had a long
chat with my baby about looking forward to meeting him/her and issues
which I thought might be holding up labour.
At about 7.30pm I did the last of the remedies to hopefully induce
natural labour. Castor oil - Yuk! Nothing happened at first but by
10.00pm I was running to the toilet with diahorea. At 10.45pm I started
to have regular pain. I remember being surprised at the intensity
and length of the pain, stupidly I thought the pain might be the ongoing
effects of the castor oil. We rang Jan our midwife at about 11.15pm
and said we think we are in labour. After talking and listening to
me for a couple of minutes she said "she was on her way", and arrived
about 20 minutes later.
Although the pain was nothing like the pain of Benjamin's induced
and posterior labour, it was still huge. The contractions started
at about 1 minute apart and went for about 1 minute. However, I was
still ecstatic about actually being in labour. At this stage I felt
great about the fact that we had chosen to have our baby at home,
as the thought of getting into a car was terrible, moving from the
lounge room to the bedroom seemed to be a big enough task. I tried
to keep upright positions and use everything we had learnt and practiced
about active birth. However, I just wanted to lie down, as I did this
I had an unbelievable urge to push. I didn't panic, but thought I
cannot possibly be ready to push, there is no way I can be fully dilated.
As I verbalised this to Bradley, I remembered to put my head down
and bottom up and try not to push. Our midwife Jan had still not arrived.
I kept saying to Bradley "I want to push, where's Jan?". Brad tells
me Jan has arrived. I think Jan got a shock when she walked in to
find me in second stage. She asked me to breath over the urge to push
as she needed to check me properly. In the meantime my waters broke,
oh what relief. Jan being the wonderwoman she is went into overdrive
firing instructions to Bradley to ring another midwife Sandra, who
lives close by and call and check how far away Peter was. Jan checks
to make sure I'm fully dilated and says to go ahead and push. Jan
and Bradley bring Jan's things inside, everything is organised except
for the birthing pool which has been set up in anticipation for a
month. Brad asks about filling it, Jan takes one look at me and says
'forget it' (this has become a joke in our house). I am still in the
same position, head down - bottom up, when Jan suggests that my pushing
might be more effective if I changed position! Of course, even though
my mind was on the job at hand, that little detail escaped me at that
moment. I move to the bed head with one knee up, lunging and pushing
into each contraction.
Jenny Teske (who kindly said she would come in Rhea's place) is on
her way, but I'm sure Jan thought she might be helping me birth this
baby on her own. In the meantime, my mother arrives to look after
Benjamin if he wakes (he has been very excited about seeing his baby
born). Sandra arrives then Peter and Jenny. We are all in our small
bedroom, we had expected to be in the birthing pool but there has
been no time to fill it so everyone is in the room either on the bed
or standing close by.
I can feel the energy in the room all directed toward me and my
baby. I can feel Bradley's hand on my back, and Jan's strong supportive
voice right by my side. I am kneeling up holding onto the bed-head,
pushing and lunging with all my might. Peter and I had previously
discussed second stage probably being long hard work for me as I had
not done this last time, Peter reminds me of this as I push for all
I am worth. Jan says "push more, that's not a push, push harder".
What a feeling! The pain of first stage has diminished and although
I'm sure second stage was painful it didn't feel as I had expected
it to. I felt so powerful! The pushing urge is absolutely uncontrollable,
however, it felt fantastic to push like that. I push with even more
power and remember Jan's encouragement as she assures me I am doing
well. Jan asks me to move to the toilet as this sitting position will
help the baby move further down the birthing canal. I move to the
side of the bed hanging onto Jan. Another uncontrollable urge to push
comes, as I start pushing again Jan says I am too strong for her and
to hang on to Bradley. I remember asking why isn't it stopping, there
is no gap between contractions. Poor Bradley is shaking and bending
at the knees as this never-ending contraction continues and he supports
my whole weight as I literally hang from him with my feet off the
bed. The contraction finishes Jan has another check and tells us no
need to move the baby has moved down.
I feel a burning sensation and tell everyone. Another contraction
and more burning, I am now on all fours pushing my head into the bed
head. A small pillow is placed against the bed head to stop me from
gaining a permanent dint in my forehead. Excitement builds as I know
I am going to birth my baby. Jan says put your hand down and feel
your baby's head. I placed my fingers inside my vagina to feel my
baby's head, amazing! As the baby's head crowns my mother says very
excitedly "Oh Edwynna, here comes your baby". Someone comments on
the black hair. Jan has her face right next to me and is telling me
how to breath, I instinctively follow her. I follow her call and trust
her completely. One big push and I feel my baby's head come out, I
put my hand down and feel his beautiful warm wet head in my hand.
Another uncontrollable urge to push, and another. Peter says 'ok Bradley
its time for you to catch your baby when your ready'. Peter guides
the shoulders out with the next contraction and then Bradley catches
his baby. Almost in one fine movement I turned around and gathered
my baby into my arms. 'My Baby', all wet, soft, gorgeous, birthed
into our world by soft candlelight surrounded by love. I loved the
feeling of the umbilical cord still connecting us together and reminding
me of what I had created. I rocked with my baby saying 'I did it,
we did it'. What a team we were, and supported by absolutely wonderful
people who were there to witness this magical moment. This magical
moment, which is so sacred and special in every way, that we all helped
to create. I cannot describe how amazingly ecstatic I felt during
the labour and at that moment. I was overjoyed with such a positive
outcome and realize just what a special gift our birth experience
is.
Bradley cried and I was just beaming! Harrison didn't cry very much
and seemed to calmly take everything in. The placenta came soon after
the baby was born and was quite large (obviously nourishing this beautiful
baby boy). Bradley cut the cord when it had stopped pulsating, and
when asked about the placenta I couldn't part with it, so it is still
in the freezer awaiting a fitting ritual to pass it back to the earth.
Harrison was born 2 hours after labour began. He weighed 9 pounds
2 ounces (4.139 kg) and had a head circumference of 37.5cm. At birth
Benjamin weighed 7 pounds 14 ounces (3.615 kg) with a head circumference
of 36cm. So much for not being able to birth a bigger baby.
The journey this pregnancy took me on made me face so much and learn
so much about myself. Throughout labour there was no fear, just total
trust in myself, those around me and a feeling within myself of surrendering
completely to the journey we know as beautiful natural powerful birth.
Harrison's birth is truly a gift and I will treasure his labour always
as it has helped Benjamin, Bradley and myself to heal and take us
on life's new journey with total belief in ourselves. I feel like
I have got my power back and am confident I can take on anything.
Our baby is a gift in so many ways.
Harrison seconds after he was born.
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