Healing After Your
This page is unfinished.
There is a reason for that...
Jo's Contribution continued...
My journey of emotional healing was one that I had to
take in order to save my sanity, my marriage and my friends
and family. My first child was born by cs for FTP which,
after a lot of investigating , should have been 'failure to
be supported' ie: no real medical emergency. The decision
was made by an ob that I had never met and he made this life
changing choice on my behalf with out taking into
consideration of the effect it may have. (This is one of my
main arguments I put to doctors). He neglected to see me
after with any form of explanation. The experience left me
bitter, angry and severely depressed. I tried 'dealing with
it' (as so many told me to do); I tried going to see a
counsellor and a post-natal support group. (I was unaware of
Birthrites and there was a complete void in Adelaide).
Nothing helped. I felt alone and very scared for my future.
I certainly did not want to maintain the aggression and
bitterness; I was missing out on my beautiful little boy! I
I do not believe in god or any sort of organised
religion, however, I do believe in spirit guides. My guide
pointed me in the right direction and so I embarked upon my
journey of recovery with this simple thought " I have to rid
myself of the poison running through my veins (the anger)
without sacrificing the right to feel the pain and loss that
Today I can look back and see the steps I took, but at
the time it felt like I was stumbling around in the dark.
This is what I did:
- I accepted the fact that I could not turn back the
hands of time. I could not change the fact I had a c/s.
This was hard but I separated the event into the 'cause'
and 'effect'. The operation happened, yes, but it was how
and why that angered me.
- The cause was an ob had made a decision about me
without knowing anything about me. This I recognised as a
personal trait of mine, to venomously detest any man to
make a decision for me. Not even my husband would take my
control over my 'self' without consent. It might sound
arrogant but it is a part of my make up. To be treated
like I was an irrational child during delivery was the
key to my pain.
- I wrote the hospital the poison pen letter of all
time but the response was exactly as I expected &endash;
it did nothing to help my recovery except make me feel
like I was being the irrational little girl! It did feel
good to write and assert my disappointment, and I firmly
believe that if everyone was to write a 'report' of the
hospital's performance then maybe someone might listen to
- Before we even began to try for another child, I had
decided that the next would be born at home. My mistrust
in doctors was very deep. I learnt all I could about home
birth and interviewed midwives. It was a difficult task
bc they were all lovely, but the one that I chose was a
wonderful woman who recognised that I need to be in
control. She knew that I wanted to be supported, not told
what to do. I am sure if I said I wanted to birth hanging
from the rafters she would have said "ok lets give it a
go"! She provided me with all the up to date information
I required to make informed decisions and then supported
- I acknowledged that the anger was still very ripe
within me and I needed to exorcise this demon. I chose my
back up hospital and went in to do battle. I was assigned
an ob who soon discovered that I demanded respect and was
going to be giving none until it was deserved. I told him
I wanted him to rectify the damage done by the previous
doctor, to work with me to regain trust. I knew that I
had to confront my demons but it had to be in a positive
- It was my choice to transfer to hospital after 18 hrs
of labour. (dam posterior babies!!) It was my informed
choice to have an epidural. It was my choice to have the
epi topped up after it wore off and I found that I had no
more energy left, thus resulting in a forceps assisted
My vbac was not the reason for my healing. It certainly
felt good, but it was the fact that I had control of what
happened to me and my baby. Even if I had not had another
child I would have still listed all the things that made me
feel bad, the things that hurt me and tried to POSITIVLEY
and CONSTRUCTIVLY overcome those obstacles. I refused to
dismiss my right to feel hurt but knew that to remain bitter
was not good. Now I can cuddle my first born and tell him
how he was born and kiss him and tell him it was a very
important event in my life. There is still sadness but
sadness is not destructive. You can use sadness
constructively, as I have done by helping to set up a South
Australian support group.
I feel healed now, I can reflect back and not silently
scream WHY!? I think now that all those 'do gooders' who
said get over it were kind of right; but getting over it is
something you have to actively partake in. You can not just
sit and wait for healing to come knocking on the door. Pin
point what hurts and treat it. Ignoring or procrastinating
over a wound does not make it get better &endash; it leaves
it open for infection. Unfortunately emotional healing does
not have a universal cure; it is a personal thing but maybe
some of you can relate to my experience and maybe it might
point you in the right direction. My heart goes out to all
who are suffering. You are entitled to feel that pain, but
don't let it ruin your life. Your children live for your
smile. It is good to smile again.
Click HERE to go back to the
"Thoughts on Healing" Page.