Imagining the Father as
the Mother.
I was lying in bed with my husband the other night. He
was naked beneath the sheets. I exposed his chest and lower
belly, and stroked his abdomen in light circles. His pubic
hair was showing; I touched its soft, curly down and
snuggled in close.
I moved my finger along where his hair and lower belly
meet. My eyes opened- and I imagined that he were my wife. I
moved my hand over his belly more, and imagined it round and
heavy with our new little child. Then I imagined someone
taking a knife and slicing at him to get the baby out. My
mouth opened, and I felt panicky at the thought. I ran my
finger along where the slice would be- the lower transverse
cut. I imagined the soft hair being shaved away and the
belly being covered with smelly brown antiseptic. Then I
imagined the hand with the glove and the knife- cutting so
close to my dear little baby- cutting a bleeding, gaping maw
into this precious, intact perfection.
I imagined all of this, and knew what my reaction would
be. I wouldn't kill or maim to protect him- I just can't see
that. I see myself throwing myself over his prone,
outstretched body, and protecting him with the strength of
my back. I would say- "you'll have to cut me first." And I
wouldn't leave him until the danger was gone. Then I would
put myself between his legs, and watch with awed, loving
interest as our baby came inching her way out into the
world. Then I would scoop her up, and pass her to him.
I wouldn't say- "let the experts do their jobs, dear."
Nor would I say- "do what the doctor says." These are things
men say to women in their hospital births. And isn't it
funny that in hospital births women get hurt?- and their men
stand and watch?
How would the men feel if the positions were reversed?
Just after the birth of my sixth, my first homebirth and the
birth that began me on a lifelong journey to revolutionize
birth on Earth, I went to a homebirth information night.
Beginning the night was an introduction circle. Everyone
said who they were, and why they were there. Now this was
basically my first night out since the baby was born (with
baby in sling, of course)- he was only three months old, and
I hadn't really spoken to anyone about my birth experiences.
Some men were introducing themselves- and they all were
saying that they thought hospital birth was the best way to
go. They were saying that they were humoring their wives by
coming at all. Then it was my turn. I said to the men- "if
you don't want your wife to have a homebirth, then go to the
hospital first and put yourself up on an examining table and
stick your ass up in the air for strangers to stick their
fingers and see how you like it. Then you can tell your wife
not to have a homebirth."
I was weeping and shaking in front of all those people-
their eyes felt hard and cold on my soft, exposed insides.
But I couldn't help it- it was the first time I had ever
understood how much my hospital births really hurt me. I had
always thought I deserved to be hurt; that I couldn't give
birth without being hurt by people who were claiming to help
me. But my sixth birth showed me that I can give birth
beautifully- without being hurt at all- no hooks, drugs or
knives. One simple homebirth showed me how wrong the
hospital way of birth really is.
After that night I began writing, hoping to inform the
world about the true nature of childbirth. I created my
website, and soon began to hear from thousands of women
about their births, and what they dream of for their births.
And I have grown very, very weary of hearing from women
whose husbands violently baulk at the idea of homebirth- and
refuse to be moved away from the fantasy bond of medicalized
birth; erroneously believing that doctors "saved" their
women and their babies from the hazards of childbirth when
in reality, doctors and nurses themselves overwhelmingly
caused the problems. I'm tired of dads who regard natural
birth proponents as "left wing" and "nuts". I'm especially
tired of dads who form partnerships with the medical
profession and coerce women into accepting birth
interventions they would normally abhor; misguidedly
believing that "father knows best": and the father in this
case is the medical patriarchy, as well as the ignorant
biological father who supports "him". But you know... father
does not know best about childbirth. Mother does.
Being dismissive of women's needs in birth aren't only
rooted in the father/doctor fantasy bond. Men genuinely
can't comprehend the humiliation that women go through in
medical birth (and the fact that humiliation will cause
problems in birth too- like "failure to progress"). They are
so used to seeing women naked to the core in the media that
seeing their own women prone and helplessly naked in birth
is "no big deal". The female body has been so marginalized,
corrupted, cheapened and desecrated by so many realms of
popular culture, that when it comes to giving birth- who
gives a damn? Why should a woman become sacred in birth when
she is so public and profitable a commodity in so many other
areas of life? Everyone from Playboy magazine to your local,
friendly OB/GYN profits from women's outstretched bodies, in
vivid living colors: from pretty pastel pinks to cut, bloody
reds. So much money and power to be gained.... For everyone
except the women.
I told my husband that night in bed that I would throw
myself over his body before I would let anyone come at him
with a knife. I asked him why he didn't do the same for me
in our second child's birth, before the c-section that hurt
me so deeply. And he was sorry. He was genuinely sorry for
his ignorance, and for allowing the doctors to cause me
pain. I'm sorry too- for lying on that table to begin
with.
But is that good enough? For him or me? Ignorance as an
excuse to feel pain? How much pain does it have to take to
get people to wake up and start having the births of their
dreams? How much do women need to be cut before they have
the courage to say ENOUGH? And how much do men need to see
their wives suffer before they can break through the
restraints of their iatrogenic fantasy bonds?
Leilah McCracken is the mother of seven, creator of
the BirthLove website and the author of Resexualizing
Childbirth. To read more of her work, visit her site-
http://www.birthlove.com
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