Freedom of Choice
- a VBAC at
home
My story begins with the birth of my daughter in
Australia.
We had planned a home birth with the use of a pool to
labour, and, maybe deliver in. Labour began early in the
morning so I used the pool to relax. We called the midwife,
and she stayed in the background while I got on with
labouring. After 6 hours or so, I was feeling quite drowsy
and heavy and could not keep my eyes open. The labour was
getting intense, and I was having trouble staying on top of
the contractions.
I was checked by the midwife and was found not to be as
far as expected. I was in the pool all this time and was
beginning to feel tired. The contractions started to get
further apart and irregular. We tried standing and moving to
get things going. I then got out of the pool as suggested
and laid on the bed on my side which I found very
uncomfortable. The midwife suggested that we go into
hospital to speed things up, or, wait a while and see if I
progress. I was keen to get things going but my husband was
not keen to go to the hospital so we decided to wait a
while, and see if I progressed. I believe I was checked
again and little or no progress was made so we decided to go
to the hospital.
After 6 or so more hours I eventually got to push. I
pushed for about 1_ hours but still, the baby's head just
would not come down. I was then told by the Doctor that she
would need to get the baby out by vacuum extraction. There
was a moment of silence. The Doctor then told me that I was
to have a caesarean section. Things moved pretty fast after
that. I had my eyes closed for most of my labour, so I was
not aware that my husband was not in the room at the time
they were preparing me for the caesarean.
We were not involved in this decision, or, given an
explanation as to why a caesarean was needed. To this day,
we still do not have a clear reason as to why I had a
caesarean. At the same time, I was in no position to make
any decisions. I just felt numb with exhaustion and relieved
that the end was near. I finally saw our daughter whom I was
very glad to see.
I felt very cheated and let-down by the whole experience and consequently
took a longer time to recover. It was very frustrating not being able
to get up and care for my baby so readily. I healed quickly physically,
but emotionally the pain never went; it just got less. I felt traumatised
by my birth experience, and didn't know if I ever wanted any more
children and go through all of that again. I had a lot of things to
process and heal. It helped to speak to other women who had experienced
a caesarean birth and felt the same.
I followed my husband to Holland when our daughter was 7
weeks old. Nine months later, I felt I was over most of the
birth and getting onto my feet again when, I found myself
pregnant again. I felt in no way ready to labour or birth
again, let alone, have another baby. However, I knew for
certain that I did not want to have another caesarean birth
if I could help it, and, to birth at home.
I set out to find a midwife/Doctor who would support me
with VBAC, and, to birth at home. I kept being told "No, you
can not birth at home with your history of a caesarean" -
the risk of the scar rupturing being the main concern. It
felt as though I had a criminal record and had been
blacklisted, or, a big cross against my name because I had
had a caesarean. We knew the risk, and that it was minimal,
and that we were prepared to take that risk. I did not let
this sway my decision and continued to crusade for a birth
at home. I was well read, and prepared myself more
"mentally" this time than physically.
I exhausted all avenues of finding a midwife/Doctor to
support me, and so, came to accept that I would have to go
to hospital, when, I found a midwives practice that did. I
was overjoyed and thought "YES!" , this is it. The flame was
lit once again and burned strongly. I felt peace.
Through reading books such as "Silent Knife" and
"Spiritual Midwifery", I gained inspiration and strength.
That I was not alone, and that countless women have been
there before me and given birth. That giving birth was every
woman's right, and not a privilege. I deserved to birth my
baby naturally and I was capable of doing so. It also helped
my husband and I prepare ourselves in the event of another
caesarean becoming necessary. At the same time, I felt
pressure on myself to perform, to get it right. That this
was my last chance to prove to myself that I could do it.
Whether it would heal the past, I did not know.
As I was in Holland, I saw a midwife for all my
pregnancy, but had to also see a gynaecologist (equivalent
to an Obstetrician) because of my history of a caesarean,
legality and policy. I saw him about two times and he
strongly advised me to birth in the hospital. I made it
clear to him that I wished to birth at home and would only
go to the hospital if things did not go as planned at home.
I had faith in the midwives, who believed in VBAC and to
birth at home. I also felt safer and more relaxed at
home.
In my last week of pregnancy I felt a real peace. I was
really loving being pregnant, more than I ever did. The
peace and tranquillity I felt is hard to explain. Even with
the huge stomach, the baby's kicking, and the difficulty in
doing everyday chores. I did not feel pregnant anymore. It
was like I had always been like this. I could have been
pregnant forever. I knew that whatever the outcome of this
birth, I had done everything in my power and that this birth
was now in God's hands.
My due date arrived and all was well. I saw the midwife
two days later, and an appointment was made at the end of
that week to see the gynaecologist according to "the
policy", if I did not go into labour by then. I was not keen
on this and hoped I would go into labour soon. I then had
some doubts whether I had it in me to go through all the
labour again. I knew I could do it, but was not completely
certain.
Then it happened. That night I went into labour. At about
4am my waters broke. I felt a mixture of relief, excitement,
and fear. I thought, oh this is it, there is no turning
back. I tried to remain calm and get some rest. So my
husband and I went back to bed. By 5am, the contractions
picked up. I was not comfortable lying in bed so I went
downstairs and knelt over my beanbag. This is where, and how
I laboured for most of the time. My husband was up, and by
this time, our daughter also. She was taken to a neighbour.
I felt I was in labour, so we called the midwife, and our
support person as I felt I needed her.
At about 6.30am, the midwife came and confirmed that I
was in labour, and 3cm dilated. He said he would call back
at 11am. By 9.30am, I was really in it deep, and had to
concentrate and breathe deeply to stay on top on the
contractions. I kept thinking to myself, "open", and about
all those other women who had been there before me. At the
same time give out love to my husband and support person who
were loving me. I also thought of a phrase I had read in
"Spiritual Midwifery";
&endash; 'With love even the rocks will open'.
My support person held my hand, something very simple but
which gave me great comfort, and strength to endure. I felt
her full support and knew that she knew how I felt, having
given birth herself. At this time, I also felt that I wanted
to push and was having trouble not to. She helped by
breathing with me at times, and telling me to breathe and
relax. I am very grateful for having a such a person who not
only gave me her love and strength, but believed in me.
I kept wishing for 11am so that the midwife would come. I
was finding it increasingly difficult not to push and pushed
involuntary at times. So, by about 10.40am I asked my
husband to call the midwife. He arrived at about 11am and
found me to be fully dilated, except for a bit of cervix
which he pushed back. The baby's head also needed to rotate
a little to a better position. To help this I moved to the
shower and had the shower on my back which was very
soothing, but not during a contraction. I was not to push
but could not help myself. After half an hour or so, I moved
to my bedroom and sat on a birthing stool with my husband
supporting me from behind. The midwife explained that I was
to push, and if the baby did not show itself within half an
hour, I would need to go to hospital. So I gave it all I
had, and pushed really hard. I was overjoyed when I heard
him say that the baby had dark hair like me. I was nearly
there, and soon held my son in my arms. I was estatic.
"I DID IT !!". I achieved my dream. It took a few weeks
for it all to really sink in.
I am very grateful to my husband, support person,
midwife, my baby, God and the universe for giving me all
that I needed. A special thankyou to the 'midwives' who
allowed me the freedom of choice; to birth naturally, at
home.
I now know that I can do it. Peace.
I wish that every woman achieves her dream whatever it
may be. I hope that I have given some hope and inspiration
to others. Please feel free to contact me.
Olga
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