Birthstory of Nicholas.
By Shelley
(Appears in BB June04, issue24)
I had a very healthy pregnancy, and my obstetrician told me at 38
weeks that everything was fine and we laughed about the fact that
my next appointment could be in the delivery room. I began to relax
about the birth. After all, at 38 weeks if the baby was not breech,
the placenta was not low and my blood pressure was fine I would surely
be having a natural birth, right? From now on, if there was to be
intervention it would only be if my baby's life was at risk, I thought.
How very wrong I was. At 39 weeks I was back in the consulting rooms
for a routine appointment. When he felt my belly, which he had done
several times in the preceding few weeks without noticing anything
strange, he said that the baby was unengaged and that the usual course
of management for this was a caesarean. Casual as you like. I was
completely shocked. My heart started to race. He went on to tell me
that if I went into labour there was a very high chance I would end
up in theatre anyway, and that an elective caesar was less risky than
one after labour had started. He told me that in labour there was
a chance the cord would prolapse which would be a dire emergency,
that my baby could get jammed in the pelvis, that if I went into labour
I was to get to hospital as soon as possible, without eating anything
because I would be having an anaesthetic.
Basically he made it sound as though going into labour would be an
absolute disaster, and that it would definitely fail. He then went
on to say... while ROLLING HIS EYES IN DISDAIN... that women tended
to get quite emotional about natural birth as if it was a rite of
passage...tut tut. He told me that women didn't realise how traumatic
natural birth could be and that the sensible thing to do was have
a caesarean. What right does a man, who could never know what it is
like to be pregnant and give birth to a child, have to tell a woman
how she should be feeling emotionally??
Never at any stage did he offer me any alternatives for managing
the labour. This was on a Monday, he wanted to book me in and take
my baby out on the Friday. My baby wasn't even due until the Saturday.
Despite everything he said my heart and my gut instinct was crying
out "Why all this fuss when he isn't even due yet?" "Why can't you
give him another week to see if he drops" "Why the hurry?" I felt
like a walking timebomb.
I approached another doctor to get a second opinion. He was quite
different. He had an ultrasound machine in his room and discovered
that Nicholas was posterior, which was probably why he hadn't engaged.
His recommendation was to wait a week, see if the cervix had softened
and if it had, then he would induce me, engaged head or not. If the
cervix was not soft, he would book me in for a caesar the following
week. That is, he would wait up to 10 days before performing a caesar.
I took this information back to my doctor who seemed very surprised
and said that it was quite dangerous to induce an unengaged baby,
and that it would be better to have the caesar before labour started
so it should be booked in soon. Who was I to believe now?! One wants
me in as soon as possible, one tells me to wait a week or more. Two
equally qualified and experienced Obs saying opposite things.
I went home and sobbed. I spoke to my husband and family, but I
was so confused, tired, emotional etc that I don't think I was objective
and anyway, the only information I had been given was negative, so
that was all I had to pass on. Of course, they all encouraged me to
have the caesar. I don't blame them for this as they were only acting
on the medical advice and the doom and gloom message.
My heart and my gut instinct still said it was wrong to have a caesar
for so vague a reason as "high head". I hadn't read about this anywhere
and I was well read. I asked my obstetrician if there were any exercises
I could do to turn my posterior baby around. He said there was nothing
I could do.
I didn't believe this and a 10 minute search of the internet led
me to several websites on posterior babies. From then until Nicholas
was born I religiously leant forward over tables, got on the floor
with my head on my forearms and my bottom in the air for 30 minutes
at a time, I CLIMBED STAIRS every day. I spoke to a midwife from the
Community Midwifery Program. She was extremely understanding and encouraged
me to keep doing the exercises. I spoke to midwives at the hospital
(where I was doing my stair climbing) who told me how great caesareans
were and that I was wasting my time with the stair climbing. More
confusion. The whole time I kept asking myself - Was I being selfish
to reject the caesar? Was the birth more important to me than the
baby? Why couldn't I be 'sensible' and just accept the doctor's decision?
What was wrong with me? Why was I so selfish? The whole time I was
sobbing.
I tried desperately to convince myself that a caesar was the right
thing to do.
I went back to my doctor and told him that I was getting closer
to agreeing to the idea of a caesar (Why did I say that?!!!!) I wasn't
actually any closer at all. His response was "Right, we'll book you
in for Tuesday then". I was taken aback, but so tired, confused, so
sick of crying and fighting, that I agreed.
I had 4 days between then and the caesar, the worst 4 days of my
life. I sobbed and sobbed, felt totally out of control with the whole
situation. I asked if I could have the baby in recovery - No, because
there may be women in there who have just lost a baby and I would
upset them. Again, I would have appeared totally selfish if I had
insisted. I asked if I could breastfeed straight away - No, the baby
would get in the way! Gradually, everything I wanted was being taken
away and I was told to just be sensible.
I gave up. We went into hospital the night before the surgery and
I remember sitting on the bed in our room just feeling extremely fatigued
and sooooooo sad. Here I was about to meet my baby and all I could
feel was extreme sadness. "How selfish you are," I thought.
The caesar was performed the next morning, I was quite terrified
all the way through. No complications during surgery although apparently
the baby tried to get away from the doctor. He obviously wasn't ready!
And guess what......he had begun to turn. I still believe that if
I had been given another week to do those exercises, he could have
turned and dropped into place. The community midwife was right.
Afterwards, the only way I could get through that first day was
to pretend that I had delivered naturally. I made up an entire birth
scene. Underneath of course I knew this was not what had really happened
and on day two the feelings really hit. Shame! Guilt! I was so embarrassed
that I had not fought the doctor harder. I felt so guilty that I had
ripped my baby out early. I felt so selfish for not being happy just
to have a healthy baby. Worst of all I felt ashamed and a failure
as a mother. I did not bond with my baby for weeks, maybe months.
I did everything I had to do to look after him physically, but emotionally,
I was not really there. I felt as though he would be better off without
me as a mother, that I had no credibility as a mother.
4 weeks after my baby was born, my wound split open at one end.
A piece of internal stitching was sticking out, preventing the wound
from resealing itself. This went on to get infected and I had to take
antibiotics, which went through the breastmilk to my baby. I had problems
with my milk supply and my baby became very thin. He only started
to gain weight properly when I introduced solid food at 5 months.
I had pain in my wound on a daily basis until last month (14 months).
The purple parts of the scar, which were the tender parts, have only
just faded. I can now hold my baby without discomfort for the first
time. Apparently this is normal as there are a lot of nerve endings
that are cut through with a caesarean.
Gradually, I started to turn the anger I had at myself towards my
doctor and the whole system. Why didn't you give me any alternatives,
why didn't you tell me what you COULD do for me, instead of what you
couldn't. What other agendas did you have? You gave me no choice but
to choose a caesar! Worst of all was when my friend delivered her
baby naturally 3 months later. He had been unengaged and posterior.
My suspicions had been confirmed, it WAS possible.....I had been cheated.
At about seven months, I found the Birthrites website. Wow! Other
people hated their experience too! I was not a freak! This discussion
list really lifted me out of a hole. I also spoke to the lovely Tarryn
from Community Midwifery who really validated my thoughts and made
me feel heard. At ten months I went to my first Birthrites meeting
and met the amazing people who coordinate it. I was so inspired by
them that I decided to get involved and it has been the most healing
of experiences. Now I am letting go of my anger and hurt. It is a
slow process, and sometimes I go backwards but I can see that things
will get better. Meeting other women who feel the same, who are questioning
the system but who are being proactive in trying to help other women
get through that system, really struck a chord with me. I hope that
by being a member of Birthrites, I can in some way help at least one
woman who is suffering in silence.
|