Stella's Story.
Stella's birth story begins with the birth of her elder sister Alice,
2 and a half years previously. Alice's birth was supposed to be a
natural birth in hospital but ended in a cascade of intervention which
eventuated in an 'emergency' caesarian section. For months after my
beautiful girl was born I felt unable to say I had given birth to
her for she had in fact been taken from me at birth and indeed for
the days following, which I passed in a haze of drugs and exhaustion.
The saddest part for me was being separated from her immediately following
her birth, unable to feel her warm naked skin and welcome her to the
world as she deserved. In retrospect, I realize that the outcome of
her birth was a result of my own naivety - the trust I had in the
medical establishment and in my own body to just get on and do what
I believed would just come naturally - a fine sentiment but when labour
is induced how can anything that follow come naturally? Of course,
anyone I tried to talk to at the time dismissed my attempts to explain
the emotional impact of the CS with a reminder that I should feel
happy that I had a healthy baby, what more could I want? I wish I
had known then that I was not alone in the feelings I was experiencing
By the time I became pregnant for the second time I knew that I wanted
to try once more to birth my baby vaginally. By this time, I also
knew that I was categorized 'high risk' and would be dismissed by
most obstetricians. What followed was an arduous journey of soul searching,
decision making, and angst but the outcome has been worth every minute.
After visiting a recommended obstetrician I was told that yes I
could try for a VBAC but that I would have to dilate at a rate of
1cm/hour or I was on the table once again. Finally I met Jan Ireland
(via the Birthrites site) who worked with me for 6 months, instilling
me with the confidence I needed to birth my VBAC baby at home. One
of the hardest parts of my VBAC journey was the number of people who
tried to deter me from attempting a natural birth, from family members
to birth centres to obstetricians - every way I turned I felt as if
people were trying to undermine my decision. Why not just settle for
the healthy baby and have a repeat CS?
I knew that one of my biggest hurdles to having a HBAC was my mental
and emotional preparedness. As Stella's birth approached, I still
felt that I couldn't let go of how I felt about Alice's birth and
that this was likely to result in some sort of repeat of what had
happened. Indeed, one of the strongest feelings I had was that of
guilt - that I hadn't tried as hard for Alice as I was trying for
Stella and that was why she had the traumatic birth experience that
she had had. Sure she was brow presentation hence the CS - but what
if I had got off the bed, walked around, climbed stairs, the questions
still went round and around in my head agonizing me. The weekend before
Stella's birth we attended Rhea Dempsey's ÒEmbrace the PainÓ course.
I couldn't stop crying - I used the birth videos and the sessions
talking to my husband to let go of the pain I had been holding onto
for nearly 3 years. I am sure this was a turning point for me mentally.
The day following the course I felt lighter than I had for months
and months, I felt as if I could forgive myself for what had happened
to Alice and that I was ready to make this next birth experience an
empowering one, whatever happened. Thank you Rhea.
Stella was born on her due date at home on May 1st 2002, she weighed
11lbs and 5oz (5.1kg). I had no inkling that I was going to go into
labour that day. In fact I had convinced my husband to take a day
off work weeks earlier so that we could just be together to think
about what lay ahead and make our last minute mental preparations.
In hindsight, I guess his being at home may have been why I went into
labour that day and not the next. We started with breakfast in a local
cafŽ where I was so uncomfortable I couldn't actually sit down (just
pelvic pain I kept repeating). Hugh convinced me to ring Jan as these
pelvic pains were pretty regular at 8 minutes apart. Jan said we should
enjoy the movie we had planned to see and call her later but within
half an hour the contractions were 2 minutes apart and the waiters
were looking decidedly nervous. Hugh stopped to buy me a bunch of
stocks, my favourite flowers while I headed for the car. It was only
at the car that I think he realized that I was in earnest when I asked
him to take Alice's car seat out so that I could kneel on the back
seat!
As soon as we were home I relaxed feeling safe in the environment
I knew I wanted my baby to be born into. Hugh began to fill the birth
pool and I wandered around the house using the wall for support during
contractions. I spent most of the first few hours out in the garden
hanging from the verandah with Hugh, Jan and Jenni taking it in turns
to rub my back. The pain was frequent and isolating, I had to do it
alone. Remarkably though, I never doubted myself. I would do it. This
is what I had wanted so badly, to labour at home surrounded by people
who understood why this mattered so much.
I laboured in every position I could imagine, the baby needed to
turn - up and down stairs, lunges, squats, in the pool but only for
20 minutes, out again. Peter Lucas (my obstaetrician) arrived, I was
7cms dilated, more lunges, walking, hanging, Peter left and my waters
broke, he came back, I needed to push. Impossible to describe that
all enveloping urge. I had an anterior lip which Peter pulled back
during a contraction. I knew things were moving forward but I remember
being shocked when I saw Jenni Teskey hanging baby clothes on the
heater. I still had a lot of work to do and I needed to stay in my
own space to make it happen.
I decided I wanted to be back in the water for the birth. An hour
of pushing, indescribable noises escaped my lips - was it really me - and then a head, I could feel it moving down, stretching. She was
looking up in the water, already Hugh could see how like Alice she
was. Still, I felt little emotion, stay focused, I just want to hold
this baby in my arms. After several pushes I was told in no uncertain
terms to get out of the pool. How did I lift my leg over the side
with her head between my legs - I don't know where the strength came
from but I trusted Jan. One foot up on a step, Jan hooked her fingers
under Stella's armpits and pulled (shoulder dystocia), she was out,
she was beautiful, perfect, warm, naked, screaming, I love you were
the first words I said to her.
An hour after Stella was born Alice came home from our friend Donna's
house, she was enraptured by her baby sister. The night of Stella's
birth she slept in her 'big girl's' bed for the first time 'because
I am a big sister now'. Jan and Jenni had to practically carry me
to bed hours later due to dizziness, they tucked us all in together
and left us to sleep, Stella was still learning how to breath and
emitted a gorgeous little mew with each out breath, I'll never forget
those hours lying next to her.
I still can't believe how perfect this birth was for me and for Stella.
Sure, the caesarian wound hasn't gone, I still feel incredibly sad
that Alice's birth experience was so traumatic, but I feel so empowered
by Stella's birth. I can't express my gratitude towards Jan, Jenni
and Peter for helping make our dream come true. Jan in particular
was my rock, I will never forget the things she said to me when I
needed her most.
Thank you Jan.
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