Thoughts and
Questions.
By Paula Bredden.
These are a few questions I asked myself in my 'birth
preparation'. I had a lot of 'stuff' to deal with and it was
a long journey......
- What do I want from this birth?
I think my main desire with this birth (and pregnancy) is
to feel as though I am in control. That by taking care of
myself, physically and emotionally I can prevent most
situations that would cause interventions. I want to find
the strength to let my body do its job this time; I just
want a chance to have another go at doing it myself. I want
to know if there is intervention it was only because it was
absolutely necessary, that there was no other option. I want
to feel the power of my body giving birth; I want to
experience it without fear. I want to have a baby that is
not pulled from my body, but birthed the way nature meant.
- What do I want from you during this birth (partner)?
To believe and trust in my body's ability to give birth
peacefully and gently. Just to support me. To understand
what I want from this birth & to learn a few ways to
help get me through the tough stages. I want to know that
when I am at the stage where I can't control the situation
that you know what I want and need and can look out for me.
- What are my strongest feelings about our last birth?
Both of our last births seem a bit like scary memories to
me. I know neither went anything like I had hoped or thought
they would. I understand that those birth have helped me to
become who I am today, but sometimes I wish things had a
gone well for me. When I here other women's glowing birth
stories, I feel very sad and worried that I will never know
those feelings.
- What was it like for me when the decision was made to
have a caesarean?
Well I believe that my caesarean was necessary, although
some days I still go through my head and try to find ways I
could have prevented it. I sort of blame myself that I let
situations develop that made the caesarean necessary. I feel
like if I had done more preparation during my pregnancy, and
took better care of myself I could have had my natural
birth. But I also believe that at the time I wasn't
emotionally ready to handle labour and birth, I was still
very scared from my first birth. At the time of my caesarean
the hospital staff were very good, they allowed us to make
all the decisions, and involved us in the process which I am
grateful for. I was happy with my caesarean, it was very
positive. I feel like my midwife deserted me and the most
final crucial hour though.
- What feeling did I have during the surgery?
I was terrified. I was sure I was going to die, or at
feel the whole thing. But the doctors and nurses where
really lovely and made me feel better. I was sad that my
dream of a home water birth had come to this, I was grieving
for that. But when they put my little girl in my arms, she
just lay there and looked into my eyes. I can still see her
face so clearly even today. I felt so much peace and joy and
love at that moment.
- What feelings surface when I think about another
caesarean birth?
I am scared of the surgery, the pain, the recovery, and
the risks. I wouldn't want to have another one unless there
was a very real medical reason, and then I would want to
make sure there were no other options left. I think surgery
should be an absolute last step measure, taken only after
much consideration or in the case of an emergency. I would
still want to have some control in the situation, as in when
I held and fed the baby etc.
I hope I don't have to have another caesarean ever again,
but if one is absolutely necessary I will be grateful for
them being possible.
- What were those first weeks at home like?
Physically very difficult and painful. Lonely because
Mark was away a lot then. But I felt relaxed and happy all
the same. I was enjoying my new little baby and amazingly I
didn't suffer any depression after my caesarean birth like I
had after my first birth. I felt like we had done the right
thing. We had no troubles feeding or with my health,
although it took a while, I recovered, physically, very
well.
- How do I imagine this time will be different?
Well I imagine lots of things different this time. I have
lots of hope and dreams. I so badly want to experience a
gentle birth, to allow my baby to be born and not have it
pulled from my body. With this birth I had hoped for a home
or water birth, but as neither is possible we have opted for
an Ob and hospital. I have research them a lot and asked a
lot of questions and I feel the ones I have chosen are my
best chances for the birth I want. I want to take better
care of myself up to the end of the pregnancy this time, and
to have as much of my fear and worry dealt with before
labour arrives. I feel I understand birth and my own feeling
better now then ever. I want to try and labour at home for
as long as possible with my support people and children
around me. To just relax and lets things happen as nature
intended. I am worried that when we transfer to hospital the
medical staff will try to take over and I will get stressed.
I plan to have plenty of understanding support with me to
help get through this stage.
- What will I need from you (partner) if this birth is
a caesarean?
I will need to know that you were there for me to help
support me so that together we have done everything we
possibly could to have a natural. If I have a caesarean, I
would like you to be there again to support me like last
time (when you were wonderful). I would like a bit more time
with you and support after the birth though. I would like to
see you and the kids more often while I am in hospital
recovering.
- What will I need from you (partner) if this is a
vaginal birth?
I really need you to believe that I can do it. To know
that I can do it. I want you to learn a few methods of
helping me to get through the tough time. I want you to keep
reassuring me (during labour) that I am doing it, that I am
doing a great job, to tell me to relax and let my body work,
just to help me get to a place where I feel safe. I would
like you to know what I do and don't want done to me and the
baby during labour and birth, so if I am unable to
communicate you can do it for me.
- What feeling do I have about this pregnancy?
I am really enjoying this pregnancy. I can't wait to have
this baby. I don't have as many fears with this one about
how we are all going to cope. I know everything is going to
be all right no matter what this time. I am enjoying
learning more about the birthing process and myself with
this pregnancy. Sometime I call this baby my healing baby,
because it has helped me to come to terms with some many
things I had tucked away. Sometime I get tired of all the
'planning' and preparing for the birth, and wish I had just
had natural and easy births with our girls so I wouldn't
have any fears or issues to worry about this time. I guess
this may be our last baby, and I really want to enjoy this
time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I just stumbled upon this today. I wrote it sometime
during my pregnancy with Scott. I can't recall when and
hadn't dated it (preggy mind!) But it really amazes me now
when I look back and see what a peaceful and beautiful place
I was in during my pregnancy. How sensitive and aware of my
inner self I was then. Somehow it seems so far removed from
the chaos of life with 3 little children now. Paula
(13/12/00 - (Kristina's last day of pre-school today)
Well I have decided to write my thoughts down during this
pregnancy. No doubt like everything else in my life they
will not be in order though. I feel like I am training for
the biggest marathon of my life, or at least an event that I
know, one way or the other is going to change me forever. I
am growing more and more everyday, realising things so
amazing about myself and healing pains I had hidden so
deeply I had almost forgotten them myself. I am crying a
lot, feeling sad and lost sometimes but mostly I am feeling
a sense of peace starting to grow in me, I can feel my
strength building day by day. I am presently about three
quarters of the way through reading "Silent Knife" a book
that I feel has changed my life in small ways already. It is
such a powerful book and seemed to speak to me directly from
the very first page. I have a lot more clear views of what I
believe my birth should be like now, and am starting to
learn how to sort our what I want out of all the feelings of
what I should do. A rather large task! I don't know 'anyone'
in our small world that feels so strongly about pure
birthing as I do. I sometimes feels so alone and strange.
Its good to at least be able to read a book and know I am
not alone in the world, but how I would love to meet just
one person who feels like I do.
Well I have spoken to both my doctor and hospital (both
of whom I don't trust at all, regardless of a lot of talk
about supporting VBAC) about having our children at this
birth, they were both very dubious about this and thought it
was strange. It seems perfectly natural to me. I had started
to think about some of their points and think maybe they
were right, after all they know much more about these things
then me. Or do they. I spend a lot of time talking to my
daughters (6 & 4 yrs) about the baby and its birth and
they are very excited, reading lots of birthing books (well
looking at the pictures really) and watching videos. The
pain and mess doesn't seem to bother them at all, they seem
to instinctively know that it is ok. And upon talking to
them one day they asked what things they will need to do at
the birth, and can they hold the baby when it is born, can
they watch it have its first feed? It hasn't even entered
their beautiful minds that they would be alienated and
locked out of their sibling's birth. How could I have ever
believed that having them there would be wrong? I know I
have a fight on my hands to have them with me which bothers
me a lot. I can't understand how we (our society) has gotten
so lost from our natural ways of birthing. How can we as
mothers keep letting it happen? Well somehow, some way I am
going to have things the way 'I' want them at my birth. It
is my birth, my husband's birth, my children's birth and I
refuse to let any strangers control a moment of it!
I keep seeing images of what I dream my birth to
be........They seem so far from reality though I don't know
yet how I am going to make my 'dream' become real.
I imagine myself alone in early labour enjoying the
thought that my baby is going to be here soon. Working out
my thoughts, clearing away any last minute worries and just
relaxing, dreaming, dreaming of my baby of my children's and
husbands faces when they see this baby emerge into the
world. I am in a quite and peaceful place, usually the bath.
I always imagine water around me when I think of birth. I
often dream of dolphins in my sleep and I imagine them as a
symbol of peace, love and strength for me. I am amazed at
how my body is working to bring our baby to us, I am also a
little sad the baby is leaving my body forever and I
acknowledge this and let go of my baby, let go by offering
it life. Every now and then one of my children or my husband
come in and hold my hand, kiss me and tell they love me and
I say I love them. They are so excited, but I need to be
peaceful and alone right now. Gently things move along, I
need my family now, they support me, they bring me food and
drink and rub my back and tummy. Everyone talks to the baby
inviting it to come and be with us. Everyone is waiting to
give you a wonderful loving hug baby. My body is limp; I
welcome each contraction and enjoy the feeling of my body
doing what it was born to do. I am along for the ride, being
swept along.
- What are we like sexually during this pregnancy?
I guess I'm still not a wild thing like my husband was
hoping for. I do enjoy sex, although it is starting to get
awkward now. I get tired a lot so I don't really feel like
it. I think this pregnancy has been a little better
(sexually) then the last one though.
- What are my fantasies about this birth?
I dream of having a water birth, I am really drawn to it.
But when I think of my labour I imagine labour at home,
alone early on, meditating, welcoming the contractions,
dreaming of my baby coming soon. Then as thing more along I
imagine my family there supporting me, I am calm and
relaxed, I can feel everything happening this time, the way
it should. Then I start pushing and the baby comes, my
family are watching it emerging into the world, their faces
are awed. Mark and I deliver the baby safely into our arms.
The girls are smiling and touching their baby sister or
brother, the baby is quiet and watching everyone. I feed the
baby, then deliver the placenta, we have a bath and clean
up. Then we all have a lovely meal together, just the five
of us.
Well I would like to labour at home as long as possible
with my family. Then I know we are going to have to transfer
to hospital sometime, I hope this is not too difficult. I
hope the hospital staff are warm and welcoming and
understanding of my wishes. I still want my family around me
if they choose. I want to be left to labour on my own for a
while until I get to the stage of needing support. Then I
wish for my support people or midwives to use natural
unobtrusive pain relief methods. I don't wish to have any
medications or any interventions at all. I would like to
relax in the bath or shower. When the birth comes, I would
like minimal people present, I would like a quiet dulled
room, I don't want to be told when to push unless I need
help. I would like support to try to prevent a tear. I would
like my husband to have a chance to assist if he wishes or I
would like to be involved myself if I feel up to it at the
time. When the baby is born I want it placed straight onto
my body, I do not want any examinations or treatments done
for about an hour to allow quiet time for us to bond and
feed. I would like to spend this time alone with my family.
I want to deliver the placenta without any false hormones,
and to delay cutting the cord until it has stopped
pulsating. I would like my children to be allowed to be
present whenever they wish.
- How do I feel about all the preparation that is
necessary for this birth?
Sometimes I find it all a bit tiring and wish things were
simpler for me. But I also enjoy gaining so much knowledge,
and I feel more confident because I know how things work
this time. I hope that all my planning and research can help
someone else to have a peaceful natural birth someday.
Somedays I get worried that I am not going to know
everything or get all of my 'issues' sorted out in time for
the birth and things will go wrong again. But I also
understand that this is just a fear to and I can find a way
to deal in time like all the others. I hope I can learn to
relax and let go better before the birth.
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