William's Story.
Well despite being totally in love with my gorgeous little boy I
can honestly say that being pregnant was the hardest thing I have
had to endure yet. I did not go into labour so I do not know how painful
that is. Whilst pregnant I spent everyday marvelling at the life that
was growing inside me but I also spent every day worrying. I worried
about the food I ate, I worried about environment I was exposed to,
I worried about my illness (bulimia), I worried if I'd be a good mother,
I spent every minute of every day worrying.
This was extremely trying on both my mental and physical state. I
spent my days watching everything I ate, refusing to come into contact
with anything that could potentially harm this being inside of me.
Andrew stood by me whilst I researched every scrap of information
available on my condition (I had pre-eclampsia and a threatened miscarriage).
When I was in hospital I became extremely lonely and withdrew from
friends and family. I had no-one to talk to except for my belly, my
belly became my best friend. I only wanted my bump to experience positive
thoughts and feelings and made sure that every day this happened.
The birth of my son was the most traumatic experience of my life.
I had no idea how affected I would become by his birth. I was cut
open and mutilated, stripped of my dignity. I gave myself up to strangers,
laid out on a slab like a piece of meat. My recovery was very slow
and painful. I spent three months after Will's birth going in and
out of hospital, and even now I do not feel healed.
From these experiences I found that I had come to the conclusion
that motherhood was going to be similar, a slow...long...difficult
journey. I imagined pain and suffering at every turn. If birth was
so horrendous, so must be life? I am slowly changing this thinking
though. I am beginning to realise that motherhood is a beautiful thing.
That we do need to experience SURRENDER at the beginning of mother
hood, to understand how much we would give for this new life. I would
surrender my heart and soul for my child, he is the only person in
my life that I have this connection with (and hopefully it will be
the same for any future children). Every day is a new day, and every
day Will surprises me by becoming a new person. As he learns and grows,
so do I. Together we are still one, despite him being removed from
me now. So really my experience of pregnancy and birth prepared me
mentally for pain, suffering and illness....when I have now realised
that motherhood is anything but. Motherhood is light, love and energy.
***When I fell pregnant with William I was thrown on the public bandwagon
as he was a bit of a surprise. I decided to go to with shared care
between my GP (who bulk billed) and Osborne Park hospital which is
just like a small maternity hospital down the road.
My son was born in early November last year at KEMH at 37 weeks gestation.
He was born by emergency caesarean section as he was a complete breech
baby and I had developed severe pre-eclampsia. I spent the most part
of the latter half of my pregnancy either in hospital or confined
to strict bed rest.
My trouble began at 19 weeks when I rang my doctor because I was
having severe abdominal cramps at work. She sent me for a u/s straight
away and they discovered that I had a blood clot forming on the placenta,
two days later I went into pre-term labour. The night I went into
emergency I was by myself, in agony believing that I was losing my
baby. I was taken to the delivery suite and dosed up, I have very
little recollection of what occurred that night. I know that I was
put on a mag sulphate drip to stop the contractions. I awoke the next
morning not sure of whether or not I was pregnant. I buzzed for a
midwife and when I asked her if I was pregnant she replied that she
wasnÕt sure and would have to go and ask someone. She was gone for
45 minutes and the whole time I was preparing myself for the news
that I was no longer with child. When she returned I was so distressed
that I barely even heard her tell me that I was still pregnant. It
was awful, the thoughts I had about not being pregnant. After three
days of not moving and being hospitalised at Joondalup Health Campus,
labour stalled and I was allowed to go home but had to leave work
and do nothing. I didn't listen to what the doctors said though and
I returned to work four days per week. (I am really regretful of this
in hindsight!) I continued seeing my GP on a weekly basis just so
she could keep an eye on things...
At about 24 weeks my GP referred me to KEMH with high blood pressure
and some headaches with mild swelling, I didn't think anything of
it really. I was just very uncomfortable. KEMH allowed me to go home
but I was ordered to observe strict bed rest and I had the visiting
midwifery service come out to me every second day from then on.
At about 32 weeks I went out for dinner and before I had even finished
dessert I had my partner (Andrew) ringing KEMH telling them that we
were on our way. My eyesight had deteriorated from a mild headache
to almost complete blindness within about 2.5 hours! When we arrived
on delivery suite I was to discover that my BP was up around 110/180.
I didn't know what that meant so I wasn't worried (ignorance is bliss!)
The midwives were pretty much just trying to get my BP down and stopping
Andrew and I from worrying about was going on. They were ready to
prep me for delivery as soon as the duty ob/gyn said so.
I am not really sure what happened for the rest of that evening,
it is all a bit of a blur. I know I was given a lot of drugs and I
woke up the next morning on the ward. Every week or so my condition
would become a little bit worse and I would be sent in to hospital
for more tests, and at 32 weeks I was hospitalised permanently at
KEMH. I had a room with 3 other women who came and went as their conditions
either worsened, disappeared or they delivered. I made some lasting
friends on the ward. It was also at this time that the staff noted
that William was in the complete breech position with his knees folded
tightly into my pelvis, there was no way he was going to descend.
From then on I was in KEMH pretty much the whole time up until 37
weeks. I was allowed to go home occasionally for day rests and to
organise clean clothes, but even if I was at home I still had midwives
coming out to check me. I was put on blood pressure medication and
my bloods were taken daily.
I had always heard my mumÕs stories about my birth (she also had
pre-eclampsia) and about how we both died at my birth. I was resuscitated
and so was she, and I have heard about how dangerous the condition
is from other women too. Will being breech scared me, I was told many
horror stories by the staff about how if my waters broke the cord
could slip out first, or he could get half way out but if his head
was extended he could die. I didn't know what to think.
I had always said to them that I didn't want to have a birthing plan;
I wanted to take it minute by minute, so that I didn't set myself
up for feelings of failure. They suggested I have a caesarean and
let me go away and think about it, as time drew near my condition
worsened and I was told that I would have to make the choice so that
they could book me in ASAP. I held off on making a definite decision,
I was devastated at the idea of having to have a c/s, I was so distraught.
At 37 weeks I was allowed to come home for the day as I had whinged
at my doctor for 11 days that I missed my dogs. He said I was allowed
to go home for the night and sleep in my own bed for the last time
before I was to deliver. We had booked in a c/s for the following
week as my son was in the complete breech position and had shown no
signs of wanting to move.
I went home and the next day a midwife came out to do my obs. That
was the day I was to deliver. My urine showed 3/4 +'s of protein and
my blood pressure had crept back up to about 115/160. She told me
that I was to go straight in to hospital. I had no idea how bad things
were going to get. On arrival they took my bloods and urine. Apparently
my liver and kidney function came back showing signs of threatening
failure. I had not gone in to labour at all but my condition had worsened.
I was at the point where my liver and kidney were beginning to shut
down; I was on the brink of my nervous system tripping out. I could
hardly see for the spots in my eyes, and I had developed protein urea.
Suddenly people began to talk about preventing seizures and I was
prepped for an emergency c/s. Even while they were prepping me for
the c/s I was still asking if I could just be induced. When I was
in the shower being cleaned I vomited because I was so scared. I was
refusing to sign the consent form until I had discussed other options.
About 2 minutes before they put the epidural in I asked if I could
go to the toilet, I had planned to run away and have the baby out
in the street where they couldn't cut me open. The midwife was aware
of my intentions and followed me to the toilet, stopping me from escaping.
I was delirious. My epidural did not complete on the right hand side
of my body and I felt the most excruciating pain as I was cut open.
But it was too lateÉall they could do was hurry up and finish. I screamed
the entire time.
At 2.36 am William Randall Maloney was born weighing 8lb 9.5 oz (3.9kg)
and 49cm long with a head circumference of 38cm. He was three weeks
early going by the EDD from u/s. I got to hold him almost immediately
(after he started breathing and became a bit more responsive, he wasn't
ready to be born). I went in to recovery and he went to the nursery
with his dad and the midwife. I didn't see him for two hours; I had
a massive post partum bleed.
I had the same obstetrician take care of me the whole way through
and he visited me every morning that I was in hospital. On days when
I was allowed out I would see him in the day clinic. The night that
William was delivered my ob left me at about 6.30pm and introduced
me to the duty ob who was to deliver my baby. He was absolutely fantastic.
After delivery I had my own private room with my own bathroom facilities
and absolutely awesome midwifery staff. Honestly I have never met
a more dedicated group of people in my life. I owe them ever such
a lot!
After deliver my BP did not go down. It continued to get worse until
about day 6. Most of the first postpartum days are a bit of a blur...lots
of pethidine and learning how to breastfeed a very sleepy baby. Apparently
I had a hemorrhage in recovery after the c/s was completed. I have
very little memory of this as I was heavily sedated at the time. I
had another four massive bleeds after I returned home from hospital.
The last one was at 12 weeks post partum. I was put on about four
different antibiotics to fight any internal infection that was present.
After the last bleed I was put on hormones to make my body realise
that it had to heal. I have continued to sustain a wonderful breastfeeding
relationship with my son despite the trauma and lack of sleep. I have
no family support and I really heavily on AndrewÕs family for help.
Now all of this and 9 ultrasounds cost me all up about $150.00 and
that was mostly for the ultrasounds and the medication that I was
to continue to take after William was born to keep my blood pressure
under control. I really must say that I cannot fault the public system
one bit. It is there to be used, and I used it.
I have been thinking a lot lately about what I am going to do when
I have my next baby. I have been looking into different methods for
delivery, as in VBAC (vaginal birth after caesarean). I have looked
at everything from independent midwives, homebirths, birthing centers,
doulas and the like. I have even looked in to the prospect of having
another caesarean. I am beginning to think that I did the wrong thing
when I had Will. I put too much faith in the wisdom of my Ob/Gyn and
didn't listen to my heart. I think that this is what hurts the most.
Childbirth is a natural process, not a medical condition. Understandably
my pregnancy was a little different in that I developed a medical
condition. I was told by my Ob/Gyn that if I chose to deliver vaginally
that my baby would more than likely die, and possibly so would I.
I now feel as though this was just a scare tactic, that things could
have been managed differently. I know that pre-eclampsia is a very
dangerous condition and that I was very sick but I don't think that
having a c/s was the best and only option. Women have children everyday;
a lot of them are breech. A lot of them are sick. I don't feel like
I was given enough of an opportunity to prove that I could handle
a vaginal delivery, that I could do it the proper way. Giving birth
was supposed to be my finest hour, to prove my capability as a woman.
I failed. There is no other word for it. I am useless, as woman I
can't even explain how devastating that is to me.
After having Will, I lost faith in myself. I felt like a failure.
No, I still feel like a failure. The scar on my belly is proof that
I couldn't even complete one of the most basic of human functions,
reproducing. I didn't listen to my body; I didn't listen to my heart.
I let a man take control and gave myself up to his "wisdom". This
is what crushes me. Childbirth is supposed to be the initiation of
a woman into motherhood. I skipped that bit and was plunged headlong
into recovery. I was numb; I felt more like I'd had a gall stone removed
than I'd given birth. I did not adjust because my body was not aware
of what was happening. I was numb and I still have residual numbness
across my scar. A reminder that I felt nothing.
Women need to feel part of the decision making process. They need
to be told the truth about interventions and why something has been
suggested to them based on the evidence in research, not 'because
your baby will die if you do not do as I suggest'. It is comments
like these that cause so much distress to many women because they
feel they've been lied to and went ahead to have a caesarean birth
believing the expert advice to be correct, when further down the track
they find that there was an alternative to the way their birth was
conducted. They talk about the sacredness of the birth of their child
being taken away from them.
This is exactly how I feel. I feel like I was lied to and tricked.
That again I let myself be taken advantage of. I was walked all over
once again. I never stood up for myself, my beliefs, my wants or my
needs. And to tell you the truth, even if I had, I doubt they would
have listened to me. I know that a lot of my trauma stems from being
cut open but I also know that a lot of it stems from being out of
control. Out of my own body and my baby.
The night after I had Will, my midwife came in to shower me. I cried
the whole time, begging her to leave me alone. It was the most humiliating
experience. Not only could I not birth my own child but I could not
even take care of myself. I was embarrassed, confused and so upset.
I had no-one to talk to. No-one could understand the shame and guilt
I was feeling. Even now, there is still no-one. She was very caring,
she let me cry but I know that I just wanted to die at that moment.
That is when my world came crashing down. I was so alone at a time
when family is supposed to be there.
The day that Will was born, I expected to get people coming in and
congratulating me. Will was born at 2.36 am and my first visitor didn't
arrive until 1.30pm. I was alone for nearly 12 hours with a newborn
baby. I had no-one to share the joy with, no-one to share my thoughts,
feelings, fears and hopes. I was alone. I have never felt more alone
in my life. At that point I made a conscious decision that the only
person who would ever matter to me would be Will. I would take care
of him and forsake all others. If I did not matter to anyone else,
they would no longer matter to me.
Even now I still feel like I should care about everyone else, but
then I just switch off and remind myself of that day. No-one was there
for me. I can't care about people who don't care about me. They don't
understand the trauma I went through. They don't understand that I
did not take the easy option. Having a head filled with this much
garbage is not the easy option. I still hear stupid comments that
people make. About how c/s is just an easy way out, about how young
mothers aren't capable of looking after their children. I don't believe
that experience in the workforce makes you a better mother. I believe
that listening to your heart and the intuition you were born with
does. I still feel like a stereotype. I come from shit therefore I
am shit and I will always be shit. I know that I am trying to break
the cycle but I can't escape the feeling that I am never going to
make it. I cannot see a light at the end of the tunnel at the moment.
Right now I feel as though Will would be better off without me, because
I can't possibly be doing the right thing. I don't want my depression
to mark him in any way. I want him to live happy and healthy, without
having to worry about me. I want to be able to live happy and healthy
without having to worry about me.
I have had a difficult pregnancy and a difficult recovery. I am happy
to discuss my experience with anyone and am more than happy to help
with any research regarding pre/post natal experiences. I am looking
at beginning to train to become an Australian Breastfeeding Association
counselor once my son is nine months old. I am very intent on helping
other women where I felt that I lacked support. And I also believe
in giving every baby the opportunity to have the best start in life.
One step at a time. I want so badly to be healed; I just don't know
where to start.
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