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Author
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Topic: unhappy pregnancy
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JenBen
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posted 18 October 2005 11:12 AM
Hi,
This is my second pregnancy, the first ending in an emergency caesar. That birth and the time afterwards was the worst experience of my life. This pregnancy was planned, we want two children, but I am not at all happy about being pregnant and I feel really guilty about it. All I can think about was how horrible last time was. Since finding out I was pregnant I have been racing around finding out info about VBAC and putting every effort into making sure I don't have a repeat but I haven't bonded or really emotionally connected to the fact there is new life inside me.
I would like to hear from anyone else you may have had the same kind of conflicting emotions. I am not use how to move on.
Jennie
Posts: 50 | From: perth | Registered: Sep 2005
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Rhona
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posted 18 October 2005 07:11 PM
Hi Jennie
It was not until after my VBAC baby was born that I realised how unfair I was to him throughout the pregnancy - my entire focus was on working through the emotional scars of my first labour ending in a caesarean and achieving a VBAC. I didn't really stop to bond with the little boy inside. But the moment he was born I looked into his eyes and felt the greatest amount of love for him (I didn't bond well with my first).
I feel you really need to resolve the pain and fear that your first birth brings before you can move forward.
I found that websites like this, reading other peoples experiences and figuring out what happened last time and trying to reduce the chance of them happening again really helpful.
I also hired a Doula, who also counselled me about my first birth. A Doula may also be able to suggest ways to bond with your unborn child.
Also look into attending a caesarean/VBAC support group or talking to an area contact listed on this website.
Just know you are not alone and many woman feel the way you do having had a traumatic birth experience.
Rhona
Posts: 14 | From: sydney | Registered: Mar 2004
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JenBen
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posted 19 October 2005 09:54 AM
Thanks Rhona,
I am feeling a little better about the birth (for the moment) as a lovely lady has agreed to be my midwife (independent) which has removed some fears of being abandoned to a stream of strangers in hospital. Since finding out I was pregnant 4 weeks ago I have been concentrating solely on the birth, it was only when this lady contacted me and those fears eased slightly that I reliazed how unhappy I actually was about being pregnant.
One thing I thought to do to help me connect was to find out the sex of the child. Last time I didn't and due to the nature of the birth I have a split in my mind to the sexless baby in my tum, and the baby boy passed to me in the hospital ward hours after the birth. I mourned for a long time. Most people do not understand this, I don't know how to explain as to how you can be wonderfully happy about the child you do have and yet desperately mourn a baby you know intellectually is the child you have and yet.....
These groups are great, I have always found healing through discusson with friends, but unfortunately my friends can't help me with these problems as they much as they would like to.
Jennie
Posts: 50 | From: perth | Registered: Sep 2005
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Rhona
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posted 19 October 2005 06:46 PM
Hi Jennie
I once described the way I felt about my first born for the first 4 months of his life as "doing all the things a good mum should - I cared for him, fed him, played with him, cuddled him, but I felt like he wasn't really mine - that sometime soon someone would come back and claim him as theirs - empty inside". Does that make sense. It is not something woman talk about or admit, but many feel the same way especially after a traumatic birth.
Felt it needed to be said.
I think I kind of understand where your comeing from.......
Rhona
Posts: 14 | From: sydney | Registered: Mar 2004
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<Nicola>
unregistered
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posted 20 October 2005 09:02 PM
Hi Jennie,
I had an emergency cs 10 months ago and can really relate to how you feel. I am still mourning over missing out on a normal birth and all the bad things that happened at the hospital (like you, I didn't get to see my son for hours after he was born). I spend a lot of time thinking about how I can make the next time different because I still feel traumatised by the experience and can't bear the thought of having another bad birth experience. I expect when I get pregnant I will be obsessed with finding out all I can about how to avoid a repeat cs and will do everything I can to ensure I am treated better than the last time. Hiring an independent midwife sounds like a really good idea. Maybe you could try yoga or relaxation classes for pregnant women to connect with your body and your baby and learn how to relax and breath for the birth at the same time?
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JenBen
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posted 20 October 2005 09:50 PM
Hi Rhona, Nicola,
Thanks so much, it is a great help just to know others have similar feelings. This is not something I can discuss with my friends or family, they just can't relate. I too was acting the perfect mother, I grew to love my son, but it felt like he was adopted or something. like someone might suddenly say he wasn't mine and take him away (as you said Rhona). This has now gone away as it is obvious to anyone with eyes he is my son.
Nicola - it was ages before I stopped crying at night after my first birth. I was diagnosed as having post-tramatic stress disorder. Quite different from post-natel depression. I would replay those dreadful blurry moments over and over. Since becoming pregnat I have started to do it again but I have been greatly helped by researching what went wrong last time and gaining a greater understanding. I have just read Optimal Foetal Positioning which my midwife told me to read. I feel like I was so let down by the system.
I have only just started with my midwife but already I feel so much better.
I think the relaxation and yoga are a great idea. I likely need to stop stressing and start relaxing. I want to be happy about being pregnant, but there is just so much fear, fear of repeat c.s, fear of the mystery of what natural labour actually feels like, fear of not bonding, fear of those dreadful first three months....Its hard to keep in mind the lovely child I will have at the end of it.
On a positive note, I looked at my son being cute today and I know it was all worth it. I just need to try and keep that in mind.
Jennie
Posts: 50 | From: perth | Registered: Sep 2005
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<Nicola>
unregistered
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posted 21 October 2005 04:22 PM
Hi Jennie, I'm really sorry to hear that you had such an awful time after your son was born. How old is he now? I have also found it really hard to get the kind of support I needed/ still need, but have started being more open about it now and find it helps that people around me know about my problems - even though they don't always understand. I also think I suffered from post traumatic stress disorder for the first few months after the birth, and I still have flashbacks. I went to see a psychologist a few months ago who obviously had no idea that this could occur after childbirth and I got very frustrated because she didn't know how to help me. In fact I felt she belittled my experiences and didn't really take my feelings seriously. So 10 months on I still feel like an emotional wreck sometimes and am only really beginning to heal. If you don't mind sharing your birth story I would be really interested in hearing what happened.
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JenBen
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posted 22 October 2005 02:16 PM
Hi Nicola,
You know in all this time I still have not written down the full account of what happened. My son is nearly 2 now. It is something I know I need to do but have not been able to face. I will try to write it in the next few days and post it in. Be warned - not a short story. Regarding psychologists, some of them are just crap! I was orignally misdiagnosed as having post-natel depression. They like to blame everything on hormones rather then face the fact that the hospital system may be inadequate for a womens psychological needs (this psychologist was employed by the hospital - conflicting interests hmmm... she kept defending the hospital.) I did a lot of reading, I knew it wasn't PND, I felt more along the lines of a holocaust victim. Luckily I had a good doctor who respected and listened to what I was saying and agreed with me. I think one of the trademarks of Post tramatic stress disorder is a kind of seesawing. Alot of the time you are fine and then something triggers off the memories.
I didn't end up seeing a psychologist as I am a poor ( a student). I was put on a freebie waiting list but by the time it came up I thought I had moved on and didn't need any help. Needless to say I am on a waiting list again, apparantly not too long a wait this time. If you are thinking of having any more kids I would advice you to try and work it out before, if possible, however maybe the only way to be completely free of the demon is to face it again.
I found at the time it was vital to have you-time, whether it is relaxing or just something else you are passionate about. I went back to studying art and concentrated my art on enjoying the moment of now. To have some time away from my son allowed me to reform my own identity, process some of the negativity and move on. I was lucky that my partner supported me in this choice and went part-time in his studies so he could share the care of our son.
Anyway regarding my birth story I will get back to you.
Cheers Jennie
Posts: 50 | From: perth | Registered: Sep 2005
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birthrites
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posted 24 October 2005 08:28 AM
Posted on behalf of Kiri - she is having trouble posting responses. (Forum Administrator).
======
This email resonated with me strongly. I had similar feelings after my
traumatic c/sec for a very long time and must admit that Im only now truly
believing that my daughter is "really mine" - she is 16months. It has been
on my mind lately because a friend just had a little girl and is voicing the
same worries. This friend had a totally managed birth where she had no say
... I think it was a traumatic one although she seems to be in denial and
doesnt remember half of what went on. I believe this reaction is common in
many women - not just traumatic birth experiences. I think it is a
repersussion of medicalised/technologised/managed births in hospital, where
your baby is taken for weighing and shots and ear tests etc and where
midwives and doctors handle your precious child as if it were their own and
bring it to you/take it from you when they see fit.
I also find that it is a topic that isnt really talked about openly... maybe
people are afraid to be seen as terrible unloving mothers or something like
that - I know people who think it is "strange" and "crazy" to feel that way.
I think it is strange and crazy NOT to feel that way when birth is the
mechanical/cold experience it has become in a lot of settings and when
technology gets in the way of nature as it so often does.
I wanted to ask the list:
Has anyone else had these feelings? How long did they last? When/How did you
overcome them?
Has anyone who has experienced an empowering wonderful birth had these
feelings?
How do you think this subject can be broached with people who dont really
"get it"?
Looking forward to your wisdom ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
Kiri
ps. This will probably be my last opportunity to post/read mails for a week
or so as Im moving house. But I will look forward to reading replies then!
Posts: 39 | From: Perth, WA | Registered: Dec 1999
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<Janet from Joyous Birth>
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posted 24 October 2005 09:07 AM
I've hesitated to respond because my own experience of PTSD etc was so horrific and still lingering a little that it's painful to talk about my lack of bonding with my son. I've read about how animals reject babies if they don't know they're their own. Some orangutans went through this recently. C-secs where it's traumatic and the baby is taken from you are utterly barbaric for all concerned and I don't know how hospital staff can live with themselves for causing it. I told them in no uncertain terms when I complained to the hospital, "You people trashed my life; I wanted to kill myself." I feel such grief now for those early hours when I was handed a stranger in a blanket and honestly didn't give a shit. I wish that I could have loved him then as I do now and to look back knowing that the little baby with the round face was the same person as the curly headed child so deeply entwined in my heart causes me such pain. I feel so positive about what I've done with my grief, how I've channelled it into helping ensure no woman ever goes through what I did, but the pain lingers. I was reading this about grief the other day and I thought I'd share it. I hope it speaks to you too.
Love and healing to all,
Janet
"The truth is, that after any great loss there is no such thing as normal life. When like returns, "normal" will feel different. Profound grief is not something we get over. In time we get on, sometimes noticing with surprise how much life is still giving to us even while it has been taking so much away.
Questions about grief and loss appear in all kinds of guises in psychotherapy and counselling, often masking powerful feelings of uncertainty and shame. Am I entitled to my sadness? Should I be trying to set aside the strongest feelings I have ever experienced? Am I normal? Is this normal?
The power of the word "normal" can add to a grieving person's suffering. Yet the truth is, there is no "normal" way to grieve. Nor is there a neat timetable for grief. How we react to a major loss - and the avalanche of emotions that loss evokes - will always be a highly individual part of our lifelong story.
...
We step around the big emotions in everyday life, often by literally making no time for them. Being catapulted by grief (and outrage) into a place where you have no choice but to recognise what you're feeling can be profoundly shocking.
...
Grief can leave us feeling dangerously fragmented. The "pieces" of who we are "fall apart" and need to come together. When they do, it's not only life that's changed; we have too. This certainly doesn't doom us to lasting sadness. We may well appreciate life more and live more vividly. But, that too, is unpredictable. What we can hope for is a new respect for the depth of our human emotions - and the precious connections that those emotions allow."
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JenBen
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posted 24 October 2005 04:35 PM
Thankyou Janet, I cried when I read your email.
I am feeling too emotional to write much today. The flood of emails on C-aware had been overwheming. Thankyou to all of you.
What can you do about all of these fears of lack of bonding, Post-tramatic stress disorder etc when you are pregnant again. I was finally getting over it all and now I am completely obsessing. I can't think of anything else... Sorry I am feeling pretty down at the moment. I have started trying to write my birthstory and it is really stirring things up.
Jennie
Posts: 50 | From: perth | Registered: Sep 2005
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<Nicola>
unregistered
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posted 24 October 2005 06:24 PM
Hi Jennie, I think you are really brave writing down your birth story at such a difficult time. Do you have people around you who you can talk to about your feelings? Are you able to talk to the midwife you mentioned about your fears? If she is going to attend the birth then it would be really important for her to know about the stuff you are going through right now. I think you need to get all the support you can so that you can enjoy some of this pregnancy too. What about writing a letter to the people you really need to support you right now? I have often thought of doing that with my husband's family who don't know a thing about what happened when my son was born and who haven't even asked! (I have tried to tell my mother in law but didn't get anywhere). I have often thought that spelling it out on paper might make them understand, and that way they can't interrupt me or change the subject whilst I'm trying to tell them what happened.
Anyway, I have decided to write my birth story down aswell and will post it here sometime this week.
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JenBen
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posted 26 October 2005 02:31 PM
Hi Nicola,
I hope you are going o.k with your birth story, I have not really got very far with mine. It is really upsetting me and I have a bad flu as well so I think I will leave it for a few days. My G.P wants me to drop trying to work through all this stuff entirely until I see the counciller but I don't know if that would help now. Its all just buzzing around in my head so I feel like I have to keep trying.
I am meeting my midwife next week and will update her but she likely already knows as she visits this site and is on the c-aware email list which is how I got in contact with her.
My partners family are not really approachable about this sort of thing, I don't get along very well with my mother-in-law anyway, she is very critical, but I am getting alot of support from my sister who is likely to become one of my support people.
Mostly it seems to help the most talking to other women who have similar experiences. I don't think you are a member of the c-aware email discussion group run by this site but this thread of discussion here has led to a flood of supportive emails from women who have really resonated with some of the feelings we have been discussing, it has been truly amazing.
Also birthrites have meetings once a month so I am planning to go.
Let me know when you have finished your story, I would like to read it
Jennie
Posts: 50 | From: perth | Registered: Sep 2005
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<Nicola>
unregistered
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posted 27 October 2005 10:08 PM
Hi Jennie, here is my birth story. I ended up writing it in a bit of a hurry because I found that dwelling on the details was too painful. Also I noticed after I'd written it that some of it is in the past tense and other parts are in the present. I guess this kind of reflects how I feel when I describe my birth experience, because in many ways I am still reliving it in my mind.
.........
6 days after my due date my waters broke in the middle of the night. I got really excited as I’d been desperately waiting for labour to start for some time, but I had no contractions and I noticed my waters had a slight green tinge. When I called the hospital they asked me to come in for a check and it turned out that I had meconium in my waters. They decided to induce me with a Syntocinon drip and told me they wanted the baby to be out within 24 hours. Great, I thought, this will speed up things, not knowing that labour would be more painful this way and that there were risks associated with being induced (why don’t they tell you these things at antenatal classes???). Anyway, things started off quite well despite VERY painful contractions every other minute (no gentle start here!), and the midwife is pleased when after just a couple of hours I get to 2 cm. She attaches a monitor through my vagina to the baby’s head and I am now truly wired up – drips coming out of my arm which make it impossible for me to move, and a monitoring machine attached to my belly which keeps sliding off and beeping very loudly. This was not my idea of what labour was supposed to be like and it is impossible to relax. The midwife is nice but she’s busy and every time the monitor alarm goes off someone new comes into the room to put the wires back in place. I get to 3 cm but by this time I’ve already been in labour for about 8 hours and things are taking too long according to the ‘deadline’ they have given me. To my relief a midwife tells me that my labour is much more painful than ‘natural’ labour because of the induction and this makes it easier for me to accept an epidural, something I had hoped to avoid unless things got really bad – and this was really bad! I couldn’t move anyway so another wire attached to me made no difference. The epidural helps but labour is painful and slow. At 5 cm – about 15 hours into labour – the first mention of a caesarean is made – and I freak. I am given the chance to try for a couple of hours more because of my determination to avoid a cs and the fact that my baby’s heartbeat is so strong. I get to 6 cm but by this time about 20 hours have lapsed since my waters broke and it’s decided I have to have a caesarean. However I’m told I have to wait as there is another woman having a caesarean and they prefer not to have to do 2 cs’s at the same time. I end up having to wait 2 hours. At this stage I have another midwife who seems cold and uncaring. During the 2 hours wait she hardly comes in to see me and gives me no information on the cs and what is going to happen to me. I am really scared and the pain from my contractions seems so pointless now I know they’re just going to cut the baby out. When they finally come to take me to the operating theatre I am relieved but don’t realise that the nightmare is just about to get worse. The midwife comes with me but is not the least bit reassuring as she never says anything and seems to treat me as if I’m not really there. My husband is also with me but he is just as scared as I am. The doctor who performs the caesarean is the same one I met whilst in labour – he is also cold, says very little and communicates badly. I am strapped to the operating table and one of the nurses stabs with me in the arm with a needle about 6 times and complains I have bad veins. He finally asks someone else to do it and she got the needle in first time! (needless to say, my arm was black and blue for days afterwards) The same incompetent nurse then manages to hook me up to an infusion with Syntocinon which I am supposed to be given AFTER the cs, not during! Fortunately my husband notices and when he asks why I am being given Syntocinon the nurse immediately turns it off and looks extremely embarrassed. I am shaking violently from fear but nobody does or says anything to reassure me. In fact nobody really says anything at all to me during or after the caesarean, except for when they check to see if the epidural is working. I am treated as if I am a piece of meat on the operating table and I think I’m going to die because these people don’t seem to know what they’re doing. However my son is delivered safely and he screams straightaway. They rush him out of the operating theatre and five minutes later I get to see him for a few seconds before the midwife leaves the operating theatre with my husband and baby. She still hasn’t said anything to me and I am not allowed to hold my baby despite being promised earlier by another midwife that I would be able to hold my baby whilst being stitched up. I am left on my own with the rest of the team who proceed to stitch me up, still without saying anything to me. I am then wheeled to the recovery room and fall asleep from all the drugs they have given me. When I wake up there is nobody in sight, no call button to press, and I have to shout at the top of my voice to get a nurse’s attention. I ask to see my baby and they call my husband who comes to see me with our son. I finally get to hold him but he is asleep by this stage and I am so bummed that I have missed those first few precious hours. Then he starts to cry and my husband is asked to go back to the maternity ward with him whilst they get me ready to be moved there. They tell us I will be moved in about 45 minutes but three hours later I am still there because everyone is so busy they don’t have time to move me to the maternity ward. I am too weak to insist they call my husband back, to insist that I see my baby, to insist that they move me NOW. I have never felt so lonely in my entire life and keep thinking “I thought birth was supposed to be a family event, but here I am all on my own, separated from my husband and baby for no reason”. I wish I had said something, but I had been through 20 hours of labour and a caesarean and am not myself.
When I finally arrive at the maternity ward I am told that my baby was posterior and that was the reason why things took so long. Some of the nurses there are really nice, others tell me to pull myself together when I cry and tell them I am upset about the caesarean.
They send me home after 4 days despite first telling me I would stay for 5. I don’t ask to stay longer, I just want to get away from that awful place. When I get home the pain in my wound gets worse and worse and I have to go back to the hospital. The wound is swollen and leaking fluid, so they drain it and take samples to see if I have an infection. They call me a few days later to say they have found bacteria in the samples but by this stage things have calmed down a bit and I’m told I don’t need antibiotics. However it takes 4 weeks before the wound is totally closed over and 10 months on I still have a slight swelling on one side and occasional pain. My scar is ugly and every time I see myself in the mirror I am reminded of my awful experiences at the hospital. I made a complaint to the midwife who delivered my son but she wrote me a letter back accusing me of lying and exaggerating the whole thing. She made me out to be an unstable, hysterical woman who made all this stuff up about her and the other staff present at my caesarean. She even claimed that I got to hold my son after the caesarean which both my husband and I know did not happen. Yes I was not myself and yes I had been given drugs but if I had got to hold my baby then I would damn well have remembered! I was so shocked by her response that I took a copy of her letter and sent it to the midwife in charge. I got a polite letter back from her saying she had taken up the matter with the midwife concerned, but I still worry that she believed her version of the story and not mine. Now I just feel too discouraged to do anything more about the matter and have decided I need to focus on trying to heal rather than complain to people who don’t want to acknowledge their mistakes. I also need to focus more on my son Jacob who is now almost 11 months. I sometimes worry my depression after the birth may have affected him but everyone I meet comments on how happy, trustful and outgoing he seems. As for the future, I have always dreamed of having 3 or 4 children and hope that I will soon have the courage to consider becoming pregnant again…
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JenBen
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posted 28 October 2005 11:13 AM
Oh Nicola,
no wonder you have post tramatic stress syndom, it is the callous treatment by too busy hosptial staff which makes a caesar so much worse then it needs to be. I cried when I read your story, there is alot in common with mine, especially treatment by staff.
I can understand about wanting to try and heal and move on, but if you do want to try to do something I believe each hospital has a patients advocate. This may be the person you would need to approach. I did not do this as it all became to painful for me, I could not even write down what happened. My hospital has a new head of birthing who is changing things for the better and I thought I might try to send her some of the details about how I think their care resulted in my Post tramatic stress, much of the distress I experienced was (I believe) unnecessary and resulted from being treated as a body rather then a person. They have to care for the mind as well as the body.
I feel inspired by your brave effort in writing this down and will try and continue with mine later today.
Jennie
Posts: 50 | From: perth | Registered: Sep 2005
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JenBen
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posted 28 October 2005 02:04 PM
Hi again,
o.k here is is, unedited, spelling mistakes and all. Be warned as it is very long. I just couldn't leave anything out. I am sure I will be adding to it later. I might post it over in the birth stories but it is so depressing I don't know if anyone is really going to read it.
My Birth Story
It has been a long time since my son was born, almost two years. I have been meaning to write this since not long after but have just not been able to face it. Now I need to as I am pregnant again and all the old demons I thought long buried have come clawing back up.
My pregnancy went quite well, a few hiccups but not too bad. One problem I developed about midway was carpel tunnel syndrome which originated in my shoulders (usually it just the wrists but I have to be different!). This made the last trimester absolutely hellish. I could not sleep on my side as I would wake up with shooting pains down my arms which would take half an hour to fade and then would reappear 40mins after going back to sleep. This resulted in me having to sleep half reclined in a beanbag. This was to have devastating consequences later.
Nobody really told me about optimal foetal positioning; I had no idea what effect a posterior lying baby was going to have on my labour. It was mentioned I might have a longer labour but they seemed to think it was too difficult to do anything about as with the carpel tunnel I found it very uncomfortable to even lean forward in a chair. I wish I had been better informed, sadly I thought at the time I was quite well informed about what was going to happen. Only hindsight has shown some gaping holes in my research and preparation.
Well my due date came and went. As the days ticked by I became more worried as I did not want to be transferred out of the birthing centre into the hospital. The policy was you were transferred at two weeks over. At midnight day 12 I started getting pre-labour which were consistently 10mins apart but did not get any closer, I was so excited, I even got up at 2am to do the dishes. However these kept going every 10mins like clockwork all night and all the next day. I had no sleep at all as I am a very light sleeper. The next day (day 13) I decided to try and hurry things along with castor oil. I do not recommend this!!! It had no effect on the labour at all and completely dehydrated me. I felt quite ill after a day and night of pre-labour and diarrior. At about 3am (day 14) I was exhausted and was in quite a lot of pain. My partner Simon and I decided to go the Birth Centre. After 26 hours of contractions every 10mins and 41 hours of no sleep I was 1cm dilated. The night that followed was a test of endurance. The midwife plunked me in a birthing suite and left me to it. My Simon fell asleep on the bed while I laboured alone in the shower curled over a birthing ball. I feel quite grumpy that no-body made sure that I kept hydrated and blood sugars etc.
About seven in the morning the next shift midwife checked into see how I was doing and I asked for some pethodine (definitely not in the birthplan). I just wanted to sleep more then anything. It helped me relax but I still could feel the contractions and I didn’t sleep. Around 11am they checked back on me, I was in agonizing pain and vomiting every couple of minutes. She did an internal and discovered I was only 4cm. I was just too exhausted, dehydrated and I was fighting the contractions causing my cervix to swell. I had enough and asked for an epidural. This was something I had been totally against but I was now desperate. I had now been having contractions for 34 hours and no sleep for 49 hours. I have to say the combination of the epidural and the fluids they put into me through the IV line was heavenly. After half an hour I felt completely human again. With the new midwife I relaxed and labour started to progress in a more normal fashion. Sometime during this the doctor popped my waters and they were meconium stained. I reached full dilation around 7pm. I pushed for about 2 hours and then things started going wrong. My son’s heart rate started to remain depressed after the contractions. The doctor did an internal and discovered the babies head had not gone past the spines. He said we were going to need either a forceps or Caesar delivery, either way they were going to prep me for surgery. I remember asking whether I should keep pushing or not. He looked at me strange and said I could try if I wanted to. I was terrified and started straining away desperately trying to pop him out. At this time my midwifes shift ended and she left me with this strange woman who kept winking at me. I suppose she was trying to be reassuring but by this time everything was taking on the lurid colours of a nightmare. I have no idea of this woman’s name and I never saw her again. I can’t explain just how terrified I was as they strapped me down, Simon was gone (being prepared for theatre), another doctor/stranger did an internal), I heard him say to a nurse definitely a caesar. They all seemed to forget I was there. I felt so totally out of control, like I was only just able to prevent myself from hysterics. Thankfully Simon arrived then, they had put him on my blind side, I cried out I can’t see you, lucky he knew what I meant and moved around. I don’t think he will ever understand how much I needed to see him, through the whole procedure I just watched him. He was my lifeline, if he had not been there I think I would have lost it. Even know after all this time I am crying my eyes out writing this. I have never been so afraid, so helpless in my life.
They didn’t tell us when they had him out or show him above the curtain. I only realized my baby had been born when there was a sudden cluster of activity and a thin muelly cry from a table across the room. I remember looking over not able to see anything of him. At this stage we did not know if we had a son or daughter. I remember calling out, “Is it a boy or girl?” several times. It seemed like an eternity before somebody remembered we were there and answered. I remember Simon clearly torn between wanting to go over to look at his son and stay with me. I told him to go. Sometime later they brought him over all wrapped up and put him on my chest freeing one hand. I can’t say it was a moving experience, mostly I remember the discomfort of my body shaking around as they stitched me up. It was very awkward, he was so close to my face I couldn’t focus on him.
It seems like only moments later Simon and our baby were gone. Just before I was wheeled off to the recovery room the surgeon came over to talk to me. I am very grateful that he did this. He apologized for ignoring me and explained why things had gone wrong. Our baby was posterior and large (4.4kilos.) He had not even entered the birth canal and when they cut me open the first thing they had seen was his face. He explained that I was just unlucky, if I had just one of those things I would have been fine. He also said there was no reason I would not be able to birth in a normal fashion next time. I believe if he had not done this I would have felt even worse then I did.
I was lying in the recovery room all alone, at first I felt some relief that it was all over and the baby was o.k. Then I started to feel quite strange, I wasn’t pregnant anymore but where was my baby? I lay there looking at a clock waiting for them to take me to my family. An eternity later they did, about 2hours or so.
At the maternity ward I was greeted by a nurse I will now call Atilla the Hun. Simon was there holding a clean, wrapped baby, I felt no recognition. I do not remember to much of the next hour. I imagine they tried to get me feed him but I don’t remember. I do remember crying when the nurse told Simon to go. I do remember they put my baby in a crib/cage thing out of my reach and told me to sleep. I spent the night just looking across the room at this strange baby, it did not seem real.
The next day wasn’t too bad, I was still on the epidural and doped up, it seemed to pass in a blur. We finally took some baby pictures and had the family visit. No one mentioned the caesar; it seemed to be a non-event to most people. Later the day I developed a bubble in the epidural line and it had to be removed.
The next day began to be hellish, still no real sleep, changing midwifes all the time. I started to feel a lot of pain around the site, I was incredibly bruised from just below my breasts to mid-way down my thighs. I was so swollen I still looked seven months pregnant. I could barely move.
Day three all hell broke loose emotionally. It was obvious there was something wrong with the wound, blood started seeping out of one site. The doctor said it was a haematoma. It had opened up again on the right side so they started to pack it with seaweed. I was so exhausted and in so much pain. The painkillers made me want to throw up and I just could not sleep. Sam wanted to be fed every two hours but then needed changing and settling leaving only a hour to sleep in between feeds.
On day four I remember crying hysterically rocking back and forth with the baby. The left side of the wound was now really hurting me but no one would take me seriously. The endless stream of midwifes treated me in a patronizing manner. I had no idea what was going on with my body. The midwife who discovered me crying told me to pull myself together as it was no good for my milk. She also then produced a booklet on caesarean birth and the aftermath which I was supposed to have been given but wasn’t as I had come in at 1am in the morning.
On day five a psychologist was sent to see me and spent her time justifying all my complaints about the way I was treated, belittling the upset I was feeling. She said that it was always the birth centre women who got upset and that I did not have realistic expectations. Then she said to call her if I needed to talk more (pigs arse!). Finally a doctor came to check on the severe pain and pressure I was feeling on the right side. What then happened was horrible. He said he was only checking it but then proceeded to rip it all open. Blood went everywhere. He turned to the shocked nurse and said “take care of it” and walked off. The nurse was horrified, as she was completely unprepared. To her credit she asked about my pain first, my pain killers had worn off and I was due some more, I was in terrible pain. She went off to organize some leaving me crying in a pool of blood for about 15mins. Luckily Simon was there at the time, I felt absolutely awful. Simon was very upset as well. The worst was as I was lying there the lunch lady just walked into the room to collect the tray. I said “no, no, get out” I felt so humiliated that someone would see me in that condition.
On day six things started to get better as Simon organized a wheel chair and took me for a walk outside. This was the first time I had been outside since I came to the hospital. I immediately felt much better as the fresh air, the birds and the sky worked its calming magic.
On day seven I insisted they let me home, I did not want to be in that hellhole anymore. The constant stream of strangers caring from me, continuously being disturbed, no help with the baby. I was certain I would rest and heal better at home.
I had midwives coming to the house for 6 weeks, for a long time they were coming daily. They would never say when they were coming so I was completely housebound for that time. As I started to get better Sam developed sleeping problems and would not sleep during the day. Everyday was a nightmare. I was not sleeping, crying all the time. I could not cope. Luckily we discovered Ngala which helped us sort out Sam’s sleeping problems when he was around 3 months old and life stopped being a torment. I then slowly started to heal.
• I believe my caesarean was much more traumatic then it needed to be, much of which could be changed by better hospital policies.
• I would not have been quite as afraid if the midwife I had been labouring with had not gone off shift leaving me with a complete stranger 15mins before the caesar.
• I would not have been quite as afraid if they had no strapped me down like a sacrifice. My doctor recently told me they do this because they tilt the table and do not want the arms to roll off. There has to be a better way or at the very least they should explain to you why they are doing it. I have had four eye surgeries where I have been told if I move my eyes I could be blinded. I was not as afraid because I felt like a willing participant rather then a victim.
• I would not have been quite as afraid if they had let me know what was happening. I felt like a body on the table, completely ignored and irrelevant.
• I believe that if I had been able to see the baby leave my body, seen my placenta, seen the baby all gory it would seem more real.
• I believe if I was not separated from my baby for several hours I may not have had problems believing this was the baby I had been pregnant with. I may not have been waiting for someone to say there has been a mistake, here is your baby.
• I believe if I had been given a little quiet time alone with my partner and baby after the birth bonding may have been easier.
• I believe that if I had at least a couple of midwife/nurses who I saw regularly I would have felt more supported instead of bewildered and alienated by a stream of strangers. I had one nice midwife on for 1 shift, I saw her around for the next three days but she was rostered onto different women.
• I believe I should have been consulted and informed about what was going on with my care, the doctor who pulled my wound open behaved in a barbaric and inhumane way. He treated me like a body with absolutely no respect. He is a starring figure in my nightmares.
• I believe that if the midwives who do the home care could give some indication of when they are going to arrive (even whether morning or afternoon) for long term care patients I would not have felt like a prisoner, trapped with a crying child everyday unable to even meet friends for a coffee.
Mental health is as important as physical health, hospitals should not base their policies around what is cheaper and easier to arrange. They do emergencies caesars all the time, they should arrange for a pediatric staff member to be available in the recovery room. If a midwife is working 5 days in a row, why can’t she look after the same patients each day while they are there? These things may take more organizing but the difference to a woman’s experience makes it worth it.
Posts: 50 | From: perth | Registered: Sep 2005
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<Nicola>
unregistered
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posted 28 October 2005 05:31 PM
Dear Jennie, I also cried when I read your birth story. I really think you have shown fighting spirit by going through such hell and now getting pregnant again. I know a lot of women with similar experiences would decide never to have more children but I say "don't let the bastards ruin your entire life - one bad birth experience is enough!" It makes me mad that hospitals can treat women who have caesareans in the way that you and I were. I don't know how they get away with it. I wish I could say something to make you feel better about the whole experience, but I know that when other people do that to me (they usually say something like "at least your baby is healthy" or "at least your vagina didn't tear" or "try and focus on all the positive things in your life") then it just makes me feel worse - and very angry! So I just want to say that I think you have every reason to be feel upset, traumatised and angry about your experiences. I think you need to allow yourself to feel those feelings, maybe try and take breaks from them so they don't swamp you down, maybe channel them into doing as much as you can into making this birth, whatever the outcome, into a different experience, eg choosing a different hospital if you can do that? I live in Norway and here you have the right to choose which hospital you want to give birth at/ be cared for, but I don't know how those things work in Australia?
Actually I'm not even Australian and feel like I'm a bit of an intruder on this website! I'm English and live in Norway - my husband is Norwegian and my family live in England. But I do have a strong personal connection with Australia - my husband and I both did our Masters in Sydney two years ago and that is also where we got married!! Anyway, I came across this website after I had Jacob and found it such a relief to read of other people who felt the same way as me after going through a caesarean. Here in Norway there is absolutely no support for women who have had caesareans/ traumatic births. I even went to see a psychologist who was supposed to be specialised in postnatal depression but she didn't seem to have a clue as to how to deal with my symptoms (not exactly typical of 'normal' postnatal depression). My friends in England have been a lot more understanding of my reactions than people here, so I have come to the conclusion that Norwegians generally are not very aware when it comes to birth-related issues. Most people I know here, including my husband's family and friends, don't even know why I had to have a caesarean and have never even asked. But it also sounds like you have had a hard time getting people to understand your reactions, so maybe this is a universal problem.
How many weeks pregnant are you now anyway? Are you over the first 'yucky' trimester? (I was really sick for the first 12 weeks of my pregnancy). Is everything else going ok with the pregnancy apart from the upset you've been feeling about your first birth? How is your scar now, it sounds like it took a long time to heal after your caesarean? One of the things that scares me about getting pregnant again is the thought of my belly stretching where I have my scar, which is still quite red and very visible. At one stage I was saying I couldn't get pregnant again before my scar was invisible, but I think if I wait that long then I will be hanging around for years!
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JenBen
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posted 28 October 2005 09:42 PM
Thanks Nicola,
I don't think there is much a person can say to help except that it is perfectly valid to feel upset etc. I think people want to fix it when what you mainly need is a sythpathetic unjudgemental ear. I hate the "at least you ended up with a healthy baby comment" You can tell how much someone has not a clue by that statement.
Regarding being brave about getting pregnant again I kind-of dodged the decesion. We always wanted two children but after the birth I could not face getting pregnant again. After a year we decided to stop using contraceptives but try and avoid the fertile times. The ideas was that contraceptives were a pain and we wanted another child anyway so we would see how long we could get away with it. It was eleven months later that I found out I was pregnant and I was so shocked (quite funny really). This was my way of getting pregnant without having to make a conscious decesion to or I wouldn't have been able to do it. It is good in that it forces me to deal with it but it would have been better if I could have dealt with these issues before. I did check (before going off contraceptives)whether there was a hospital in Perth which definately did not separate the child from mother in the event of another caesar because that was one thing I knew I could not go through again. There is a place which is a dedicated maternity hospital, they seem really nice, small with easy access to outside. My midwife has birthing rights there as well. We can choose the hospital we birth in here and wild horses could not drag me back to the last hospital.
My experience has also been that people seem to not want to know any of the details from the caesar, I think people just find it hard to relate to. This seems to be universal.
I am 11 weeks pregnant, I had an ectopic pregnancy scare from pain across my stomach but I think it was adhesions in the scar, it was not too bad and lasted about a week. The scar is thick, twisted and tight. It lives under a flap of loose skin. I really hate to see my stomach now. It has faded to white/lavender now but was vivid purple for ages.
A couple of good websites Janet on c-aware gave me
http://www.tabs.org.nz/
on post-natel post-tramatic stress disorder
http://www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/
http://www.sheilakitzinger.com/ArticlesBySheila/BadBirthHaunts.htm#When%20a%20bad%20birth%20haunts%20you
this was a fantastic article.
Regarding being an intruder, I think the organisers of this website would be really happy that someone from so far was benefiting from it.
How are you going having written your story? I have been having bad flashbacks all day. I am remembering things I had completely forgotten. I am pretty moody but feel a bit better at the moment. I am swinging between feeling relieved it is out and running through it again and again. Thankyou for your reaction, it was all I could want. You are the first person to read it, my partner hasn't yet as he is away today. I will show him tomorrow, I want him to add his memories, impressions and feelings so I get a better picture.
I hope you are doing o.k? I think it is bound to be an emotional time when you get something off your chest which has been festering for 10months/two years. Hmm... wish I had some chocolate...the magic fixer!
Jennie
Posts: 50 | From: perth | Registered: Sep 2005
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<Nicola>
unregistered
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posted 02 November 2005 10:44 PM
Hi Jennie, sorry I've been so slow in replying. We have all had bad colds and have only just recovered. The links you sent to me were great. I am considering sending one of them to my mum as part of my efforts to try and explain to her what I'm going through. She has been great but has struggled to understand why I've had such incredibly bad reactions to my birth, although I think she understands more and more. What about your mum?
I also had a lot of flashbacks after writing my birth story, but they have faded again now. I still have problems sleeping though and find it hard to think about anything else but the caesarean when I'm supposed to be going to sleep. I spoke to someone yesterday who had to have an emergency cs after a long labour. She was telling me how incredibly caring and attentive the hospital staff were to her during her caesarean, and it made me so sad to compare that with my experience. Sometimes I berate myself for the way that I was treated and wonder what on earth it was about my person/ my being that 'attracted' such cold and callous treatment from every single person present at my caesarean. I mean how could I be so unlucky? I know that to most people those kind of thoughts sound very illogical and ridiculous, but the feeling is very real for me. I also think it's one of the reasons I've struggled with low self esteem since the birth. The letter I got from the midwife who delivered my son didn't exactly help either - one of the things she said was something like "has it ever occurred to you that there might be something wrong with you and not all the people you criticised in your letter of complaint". (!!!) Obviously she doesn't know what she's talking about and had no right to say something like that - putting all the blame on my personality rather than accepting criticism of her treatment of me. But sometimes I get paranoid when I think of what she said and if I'm having a bad day I begin to wonder whether she was right. I get so mad when I realise how much she has damaged me emotionally and I just can't believe she wrote something like that to me when I was in such a vulnerable state :-( Good job I am tougher than she thinks I am, because otherwise I think her letter really would have driven me to the brink of despair and I am not going to let her do that!
How have you been these last few days Jennie? Did you show your birth story to your partner and do you feel better for having written it down?
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JenBen
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posted 03 November 2005 03:14 PM
Hi Nicola,
That midwife sounds like a poor excuse of a human being. I think it is just luck of the draw who you get at the time and how you are treated. Don't take it on youself, there is no excuse to treat anyone like that even if they are really horrible peron (and I am sure you are not.) My mum always said you should treat others how you wish to be treated yourself. I am sure that midwife would not have liked a dose of her own medicine. What it comes down to is everybody is entitled to be treated with respect and dignity regardless of the race, age and personality type. That you were not is no reflection on you and everything on how screwed up that midwife and all of those who are supposed to be caring for you. Also logic has nothing to do with the way feelings operate. Don't beat yourself up about taking it personally, I think when you have gone through a experience like that it is impossible not too. I absolutely hate the doctor who mauled me. When people or a system is criticized it seems an instinctive response to throw the accusation back. "I can't possibly be wrong, it must be you!" I was told my expectations were too high and unrealistic. I do not think it is unrealistic to be treated with respect.
I don't know what to say to try to make you feel better but I feel so angry on your behalf.
Regarding my Mum, she just does not understand at all. She does not want to talk about it. I feel pretty sad about it as we have always been close but there is not much I can do. My sister has been really good the last couple of months. She had a tramatic birth herself with losing 2 litres of blood after the birth. She can understand some of the fear I feel being pregnant again.
Actually the first couple of days after writng my story were full of flashbacks but they seemed to have settled down. I have regained a beautiful memory which had previously been buried in murk. I remember taking photos of my son the next day in between visiters, just me and him. I was fasinated with his tiny feet and hands and felt awe. I think for me this is where my son become Sam rather then just the baby or it. This was the beginning when I did bond, delayed but good all the same. I feel so much better for having reclaimed this memory.
I think maybe I am over the hump, I hope so. I am still thinking a lot about it, especially when I am supposed to be sleeping (I can so relate to you there!) but not quite as obsessively. I am going to my first councilling session today. I will let you know how it goes.
Jennie
Posts: 50 | From: perth | Registered: Sep 2005
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<Nicola>
unregistered
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posted 18 November 2005 04:34 PM
Hi Jennie,
I'm sorry it's taken me so long to reply to your post. These last few weeks have been a bit mad and we have had so many things going on. How did your counselling session go and how are you feeling now? You must be starting to get a bit of a bump now? :-) Can you feel kicking yet?
I have been thinking so much recently about getting pregnant again. My son will be 1 in 3 weeks time and I just feel like now would be a good time to start. I'm worried it will take me a long time to get pregnant (even though it only took me 3 months the first time) and keep reading things about how a caesarean can affect your fertility, although I'm not sure how reliable those statistics are?? I would really like to have 3 or 4 children and am 30 now, so I don't want to leave it for too long...
I have been feeling a lot more positive about things these last few weeks. I went to the hospital to check my cs scar because it has still been painful and was examined by a really nice doctor who reassured me there was nothing wrong and took my concerns seriously. I told him I was worried about becoming pregnant again and he was very understanding. He also assured me that my scar wouldn't be a problem during the pregnancy and that my chances of a vbac next time were high. I have been really worried about my scar because it's still very red and uncomfortable at times, so it is really nice to know nothing is wrong. I have been telling my husband that I want to get pregnant again and he is keen but thinks we should spend a bit of time thinking it over before we actually go for it. I think he's worried about how I will react to the pregnancy and birth preparation because of how things have been for me since Jacob was born.
Anyway, I hope you have been feeling better these last few weeks and that the counselling is helping.
Nicola
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JenBen
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posted 19 November 2005 11:16 AM
Hi Nicola,
The counciling went really well, she thought I definately had PTSD after my son's birth but said I had done everything right to pull myself out of it. She recommends I learn how to relax so I am going to try visualization tapes as I can't meditate to save my life. She also recommends that I am in control as much as possible for this birth in regards to my care providers. As is obvious I need to be comfortable with all possible outcomes including a another caesar so I have to plan for all possibilities. I met my ob. the other day who was really nice, I have had a massive scare with the pregnancy as they found a giant cyst down there and my general doctor scared the hell out of my saying that I might have to go back to the same hospital which I was in before and have a caesar again. Thankfully the ob. did not agree with her and they are just going to keep an eye on it to make sure it doesn't get bigger.
I think it is fantastic news that you are thinking of getting pregnant again. I would recommend that you check out all your options before you get pregnant in regards to birthing and care providers. I feel so much better with that sorted. I think I have a great team lined up. I have an independent midwife who will do all my antenatel care and be there for the birth no matter what. She also has birthing rights at the hospital I have chosen, which is a very small maternity only hospital with really nice staff who I have met a couple, and I have an Ob. who I will meet a couple of times through the pregnancy just to keep an eye on things who is well known for supporting VBACs, has worked with my midwife before and if things go wrong it will be him who is doing the surgury. Which is great because he will be sensitive to my emotional needs. Now I have this set up most of the stress regarding the birth and flashbacks from last time have faded away. If you could have some idea of what care you could have before you got pregnant then hopefully it will not freak you out so much. If you do get pregnant I would also recommend you join the c-aware email chat group on this site, you get about 20-30 emails a week but it is so good to talk to and have a support network of women who are going through or have gone through the same sort of issues and you hear all these inspiring stories of people who made it!!!
On a happy note I can feel the baby moving already which I find surprising as I am only 14 weeks. It is very active and keeps rolling around. I think it is doing backflips! Now I am not worrying so much about the cyst I am much happier and very happy about being pregnant!
Jennie
Posts: 50 | From: perth | Registered: Sep 2005
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<Nicola>
unregistered
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posted 19 November 2005 05:21 PM
Wow, it sounds like you have really moved on these last few weeks! Well done for all your hard work! I'm so glad you are feeling happier about being pregnant and how exciting that you can already feel the baby :-)
I am actually thinking about having a home birth next time, providing of course that everything goes well throughout the pregnancy. I panic at the mere thought of giving birth in a hospital again, even if it was a different one from the one I gave birth at last time. We are only a 15 minute drive away from the hospital, so if I did have to transfer for some reason it wouldn't be a problem time-wise. I have been in contact with 2 midwives who do homebirths. I have met one of them and spoken to her a couple of times, she is really nice but I didn't feel that the chemistry between us was 100%. I have spoken to the other midwife on the phone and she sounded more like my type, so I will meet up with her soon to see if I like her better. Home births here in Norway are rare for anybody never mind for women who have a previous caesarean, so I am really pleased that I have found someone who is prepared to care for me. Just the fact that they didn't have a problem with me giving birth at home and believe that I can do it gave me so much confidence in myself! I am worried I wouldn't find that attitude amongst staff at the hospital and that they will do another caesarean at the slightest sign of things taking too long etc. Also if I do have to transfer to the hospital then the homebirth midwife would come with me, so I would have an extra person there who knows me and would speak up for me (I would go to her for all my ante-natal check ups too). I am feeling really excited about the whole idea and it definately puts my mind at ease when it comes to getting pregnant again. I will let you know about the other midwife when I have met up with her.
Have a good weekend!
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