Birthrites: Healing After Caesarean.

Cameron's Birthstory.

I would love it if you would use my story. I wish I had heard my story before I had my VBAC!!! It would be wonderful if I could also get a copy of your magazine. I want very much to share my birth stories. Both were unique and precious and both dramatically changed my life.

When I was pregnant with my now 2 1/2 yr old son my husband and I planned like most parents to be, to have a natural birth. We enlisted the help of a midwife and a doula and began very early preparations with in our selves to have the best birth possible. I was planning a birth center birth, all natural. Somehow somewhere in my soul I knew it was not to be. I wonder now did I make the following events unfold by my own feelings. I don't have the answer.

I ended up at 38 weeks in the hospital with a Dr I didn't trust or know, telling me I needed a section. I had mild pre eclampsia. And he determined after a trial of labor (I never went into labor) I failed to progress. I made him let me walk to the O.R. I was not a cripple. I told him I'm just going to have a baby. I was beyond let down. I was beside myself with grief.

I was so attached in every way to my baby when he was in my body. I now found myself starring at a stranger. It felt like I adopted my new baby. I did not feel like I had just given birth. My baby was "taken" from my body. Rather than slowly enter mother hood one contraction at a time, I felt I was shoved into a state of being in a very unnatural way. I was a changed woman. I began having panic attacks. I felt like I was dying all the time. I was a basket case. Not every woman experiences this, I know, but I did. I felt all alone. I told my O.B. If I got pregnant ever again I would kill myself. I never wanted to experience that kind of anguish again. It wasn't the pain... It in fact, was not too painful at all for me. It was emotional anguish. If a woman has never experienced what I am speaking of, she will read this and most likely "not get it".

I did become pregnant again, 18 months to the day after my c- section. I didn't kill myself. I was thrilled. I was going to make it different this time and I knew it! I went to Barnes and Nobel and bought "The VBAC Companion" by Diana Korte. I read it and highlighted things that I felt applied to me. I read that book over and over through out my 40 week pregnancy. I have goose bumps on top of goose bumps as I write this. It makes me feel very emotional!

I did have my VBAC. My son was born on his due date, and I pushed him out my own self. No one took my baby from me this time and I knew him when I saw him he was not a stranger to me. I am in love with both of my darling boys. While their births were polar opposite experiences, as are their personalities, they are loved equally! When my vbac baby was placed on my belly, wet, slippery, squirming I wept. I DID IT!!!! He is 4 months old and I can't wait to get pregnant again. I can be contacted at my e-mail address by anyone who wants more info or just wants an understanding ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on.

Rebecca Gay.