A Difference in Presence.
The Father's Role in Pregnancy and
Birth.
Before my partner, Katrina, became pregnant I always
wanted to be a father but hadn't really thought much more
about it. As we started to prepare for the new arrival by
choosing where we would have the baby and buying the
associated paraphenalia, I had some thoughts about what my
role was in this 'mystical' process? Where did I fit in?
Ethan's birth was one where naivety was the biggest
contributing factor for me. I had attended the birth center
classes. I had done some reading about birth and Katrina
and I had talked about what we wanted. Everything was going
to be ok. Well everything was ok and we have a healthy
vibrant little boy but…
After 24 hours of labour and an emergency caesarean our
little boy was born. The process of how that occurred is a
bit of a blur for me even now. Was I really there? In many
ways my body was there but my mind and more importantly my
attitude was not. I had a story going in my head that birth
was women's business and that the man did not have a role in
the process. With that attitude I was distant and aloof
and while I rubbed Katrina's back and provided drinks of
water and held her hand I was really somewhere else. I felt
confronted by the pain and in my protective distance I let
the medical authority with their experience in this process
handle the situation. After the birth my partner gave some
feedback about my performance and she let me have it.
"You flipped out!"
" No I didn't." I said.
How could I have flipped out, I wasn't doing anything.
And there it was.
I wasn't doing anything.
With my attitude of this is women's business I wasn't
there to provide support, I wasn't there to provide anything
and that is what I did.
The time came to have another go at this, Katrina was
pregnant again. The biggest moment for me during the
pregnancy came when attending one of Rhea's Dempsey's
classes. She talked about the support team during birth and
the relationship the support team has with the mother and
the relationship the support team has with the other
communities that are associated with birth. In that
conversation I realised I had an integral part to play in
this process. Yes it can be women's business and that works
in certain societies but that is not what Katrina wanted and
when I thought about it, that was not what I wanted either.
What I wanted was to be a part of the birth. It was my
child as well and such a momentous occasion. In that moment
I also took responsibility for what I had done (actually
more like what I hadn't done) at Ethan's birth. Katrina had
already forgiven me and it was my turn to forgive myself and
I did that.
Claire's birth was not straight forward. We planned a
home birth and after 12 hours of hard labour, transferred to
the Monash Medical Center. After another 12 hours,
epidural, syntocinon, Claire was born with forceps. This
time, except for being tired and having a nap a couple of
times I was there. I remember it all. It is hard to
describe how fulfilling it was to be there at the birth of
my child. I was at Ethan's birth but at Claire's birth I
was part of the team, I had actually contributed.
Interestingly there was a moment when I could have easily
slipped back. Katrina looked at me when we were still at
home and said "don't just sit there get up and rub my
back".
I jumped. She must have seen my attitude slipping and
she called me forth.
What was the difference, I still rubbed her back,
provided drinks of water and held her hand but this time my
attitude or intent was different. I wasn't confronted by
the pain but thought about her being an elite athlete and
expereincing the pain of peak performance. This time the
feedback from Katrina had a different ring.
"You were awesome!"
It felt awesome.
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